Cincinnati. It’s long been a touchstone for artists and culture-makers. The Grammy-nominated poet, Nikki Giovanni grew up there, along with Stephen Spielberg, and civil rights activist, Marian Spencer. It’s also the home of artist Joya Logue. She shares how she spends a classic day in her city.

Coffee

First things first, I start my day with coffee.

Pyarful Candle

I love lighting a candle by Pyarful every morning. It was created by fellow Indian American , Krisa Tailor-Arora. The scent makes me nostalgic for the beautiful gardens of India. I especially love the Royal Rani with notes of Jasmine, Rose and Cypress.

Studio Time

You will often find me in my art studio donning my fave sweatshirt by friend, illustrator and activist Jen Vallez of Sophie & Lili. Initially Created to raise awareness and fundraising against U.S. Gun Violence, it’s a win-win for all things I’m sick of. I pair it with my new sneakers. I recently splurged on a pair of Paul Green sneakers while in London. They’re like walking on a stylish cloud!

Pastry Break

I’m always up for a Pastry break at local fave two seven two. They’re the sister bakery and second cafe to Brown Bear Bakery by my friend and pastry chef, Blair Fornshell.

Cooking at Home

Then it’s back to home where I’m cooking up dinner recipes (with the freshest spices) by Diaspora Co for the fam. My current fave cookbook right now is Thali by Maunika Gowardhan titled Thali: A Joyful Celebration of Indian Home Cooking.

or Cafe Mochiko

And if we head out, Cafe Mochiko is on our rotation. It’s an all day Asian American cafe owned by chefs Elaine Uykimpang Bentz and Erik Bents. The cafe is a kind of love letter to Chef Elanie’s childhood experience growing up in two different worlds. I can relate.

Alone Time with a Book

To end my day, I’m usually stealing some alone time and flipping through one of my new books from my travels! Unique bookstores, especially secondhand are my fave, like the Ohio Book Store here in Cincinnati, Myopic Books in Chicago, Ofr. when I’m in Paris for work, and Bahrisons Booksellers when I’m in Delhi.

You can find Joya on Instagram @rajovilla where she shares her art & travels througout India and Paris.

by Alisa Stamps
photo by micheile henderson

Transitions. That time in between from one thing to another. The grey area. The holding pattern. Dare we also say, that time in the middle.

Why is the middle so hard? Why do extremes sometimes feel so much easier? Extremes are definitely more intense, more chaotic, and yet they can tend to feel much more comfortable. Is it that we just get hooked on the chaos? 

When I worked in the world of substance use we often spoke about an addiction as the chaos of the disease, as well as to the disease itself. For many who suffered, recovery was much harder than the addiction. The patients had spent years perfecting the “art” of their disease, and less time figuring out what their lives without the disease would look like.

I remember a colleague who was in recovery sharing with me how “hard those first months of sobriety were”—that transition between the disease and remission from the disease. The extremes seemed, and were in many cases, simpler.

And yet, what happens if we’ve grown up in a toxic family environment—where chaos was the norm and extremes were lived on a daily basis? If you’ve grown up as an adult child of a narcissist, you know these extremes all too well. The narcissist lives in a world of either idealization or devaluation and the child “learns” to adapt to this. The child may be praised and loved one minute by the narcissist, and then criticized and tormented in the next. This is another case where the “middle” could feel foreign, unfamiliar, and perhaps incredibly uncomfortable. 

Transitions can be another time when we find ourselves back in some of our more self-destructive coping mechanisms, or as we like to say in Gestalt, our creative adjustments. It is never a surprise to me when a client shares their life changes or how they’re going through an especially difficult time and find themselves knee deep in their eating disorder again. We cling to what we know has worked in the past, what brings us “feelings of control,” thus helping us to feel more comfortable during the uncomfortable. These creative adjustments are the “known factors” in times where we are desperately trying to navigate the unknown. 

Transitions don’t have to be negative for us to feel uncomfortable either. They can be exciting, prideful, and extremely terrifying. Transitions can include anything from starting that dream job to the changing of the seasons. And it’s good to remember that once you make it through this sticky and mucky time, you will have learned so much more than you thought you were capable of and will be a better and braver version of yourself all around.

May 2024
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by Jennifer Cooper

Since 2015, Maureen Paley has helped hundreds of women navigate and achieve financial independence. She does it by demystifying the financial industry, our financial systems, and then teaches her clients the steps to take so the system benefits them.

This is a huge task. Especially because money isn’t something most women want to talk about.  According to research from Wells Fargo and the Female Quotient, “Women feel less comfortable discussing finances, with over 40% stating they have a stressful relationship with money.”

But Maureen isn’t just an accredited financial counselor. She’s also a social worker. Her unique approach provides the missing link to help people with their money in a powerful and transformative way. “Emotions come up with finances. Our survival instincts kick in,” Maureen explains. Instincts and emotions like stress, shame, fear, and other barriers that keep you from achieving your financial freedom. 

To help end this cycle, we asked our readers to send us their most burning questions. Then we called up Maureen.

This interview is condensed and edited for clarity. 

Jen: Okay, I got to start with me. I got to frame the context here. What do you think the biggest hurdle is for people when it comes to wealth building? Actually, should we even call it wealth building or should we stick to the topic of money?

Maureen: The phrase that I use quite a bit is “financial well-being,” because our money is connected to our emotional well-being, our survival, and our ability to thrive.

Jen: So one of the things I think about is how the American system is designed to be difficult. I think there's a lot of pressure to feel like if you haven't made it, somehow it's a flaw of yours, without understanding that it’s designed actually to keep wealth in a certain amount of hands. I guess what I’m asking is about unnecessary shame. That’s an emotion that comes up a lot with money, yeah?

Maureen: Oh, yeah.That shame aspect comes up so much. A lot of our emotional life is tied into money and vice versa. You know, we have this story in America that you've got to bootstrap yourself into your circumstances and so on and so forth. And we know that there are communities that have been systematically boxed out, especially by financial institutions. That isn't something new, nor are those systems of inequity new. But I think the interesting thing about our system in the U.S. is that we have to play and swim in these waters. And what I get really excited about is helping people do that. 

Jen: All right. So to prepare for our conversation, I asked our readers what questions they had about wealth and money. So I want to go through a couple of those if you're cool with it. 

Maureen: Sounds good. 

Jen: So the first one is, “I have so much anxiety even thinking about money, let alone talking about it. Where do I even begin? I don't even know what to ask.”

Maureen: Oh, my goodness. I feel so much for the  person who asked this question. I want everybody to know it is completely normal and expected to have anxiety around money and finances because again, they’re tied into our survival, tied into our thriving, tied into our sense of self-worth. 

Start by connecting with someone that you trust. It could even be a close friend. You don't have to divulge the ins and outs of your financial life, but you can start talking about how you have a lot of anxiety about it. Just knowing you have someone on your side who can listen to you, who's likely to say, “It makes me really anxious too,” is a good place to start.  

It's also great to work with somebody like a financial coach or financial counselor who has your best interest in mind and can help you, in a safe and non-judgmental way, walk you through this.

Jen: Okay, this one's kind of a long one and I thought it was really good. So this is somebody who wants to hear more specifically about planning for phases of retirement. She says, “I don't hear many people talking about it, but when I first retire, it will likely mean that I'm still in good health, working on a passion project and living somewhere exotic and fun.” Ooo, I want that for her! She continues, “But at some point, with advanced age, I will need to take health care and associated costs into consideration besides long-term care insurance. How might one plan or phase in a spending plan?”

Maureen: Oh my gosh, what a wonderful question. I think what this person has brought to the table is that we're living longer. We also know that as folks who identify as women, the pay gap is still persistent. We don't make dollar for dollar as much as a male makes. So we don't have as much retirement savings. There's a retirement gap and there's a wage gap. So that's spiel number one. 

Going back to this idea of phases of retirement. Some people say there's four different phases of retirement.

First is pre-retirement, ages 50 to 62. This is where you can take advantage of “catch up” periods with the IRS limits. Some people go all in and make sure that they get all the catch up contributions to their retirement plans that they can. And this is great. Personally when I look at retirement, I want to make sure that I have a lot of solidity there. 

Second is early retirement, ages 62 to about 70. This is when you'll still probably have a lot of energy, work on a passion project, so on and so forth. This is also when you need to ask yourself some questions: Am I a property owner and is that property paid off? Do I have children that I need to support, especially with their education? What does that look like? The answers will affect how you approach your early retirement; how much you can save and how much you have to spend. 

And then once you’re 70 to 80, you enter the third phase. Maybe you want to travel less. Maybe you want to stay closer to home and live a little bit simpler and quieter. You’re going to estimate those different expenses and consider inflation. This is where crunching numbers really does help to figure out how much you're going to need. If you're like, “I don't even know how to figure out how much I'm going to need,” there are retirement calculators.

Finally, let’s talk about 80+, which is the period of where long-term care might come in. You might have some opportunities to do a reverse mortgage on your home to provide more income.

In all of these phases, we need to think about our health care expenses. Medicare might be a good option for you. You might also want to supplement with something else. 

So look at those phases and what you think you're most likely to do while understanding that it can change. For instance, you might leave the 9 to 5, 40-hour a week job, but then, after a couple of years, you might want to pick up some side work. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to say none of what I offer is investment advice. I don't do that. There are people—financial planners—who are very good at what they do that you can speak with. They have a lot of tools at their disposal, like models that they pay for and use on a regular basis, where they can plug in different scenarios and help you get a sense of what they might mean dollars and cents wise. 

Jen: All right, here's another one. “Should I be trying to pay off my house early?”

Maureen: So my answer to that question is, do you want to pay off your house early? Let’s talk about the benefits and the drawbacks. I'm someone who believes in self-direction. So I’ll talk about facts and possibilities, and then you get to make those choices yourself. 

So the main benefit of paying off your house early is that most of us finance the purchase of our home. That financing comes with an interest expense. If you decide to pay more than your defined mortgage payment per month, you are saving yourself tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in interest expense over time. There's also calculators and ways to figure out your exact number. 

For instance, you discover that if you do an extra $250 a month, you’re going to save yourself $90,000 in interest. That's a lot of money. Are you willing to leave that money on the table? 

We also need to talk about cash flow. When I buy a home, I'm financing my wealth over time. And if I’m managing my cash flow well and that extra $250 is available to me per month, I can use it to build my wealth, my assets, my equity quicker, and I'm going to save myself that significant expense over time. 

Jen: Cons?

Maureen: Cons are you may not be able to do that. Maybe you’re very comfortable with the mortgage payment as it is. You may have gotten a great interest rate that you're really not worried about. And when you crunch the numbers you see that, from a month-to-month cash flow perspective, you don't really want to pay more right now.

And the thing is, You don't have to do it right away. You can not do it for the next year, two, three, four or five years, and then you can decide to do it.You can also try paying more for 6 to 12 months and see what it feels like on the cash flow side.

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Jen: Got it. Okay, so here's another one. This one's much more philosophical, I’d say. “How do you hold the energy for the life you want financially while being grateful for what you have and not spending so much time or energy wanting?”

Maureen: I love this question. Reaching, reaching, reaching, wanting, wanting, wanting can cause discomfort and suffering. But the thing is, we all do it. That's the nature of being human, right? This is part of our survival needs. Again, it's hardwired in us and there's no shame in it at all. 

I think the key here is gratitude. The wanting and desire are going to bring up a certain experience, but tempering it with gratitude—and there are proven physiological benefits to gratitude—can improve our psychological health, improve our physical health, our resilience, our self esteem, our relationships. 

So I’d say incorporate some type of formal gratitude practice. This could be writing in a gratitude journal. That's something I do in the mornings; not every morning, but most mornings. And it has really reshaped my everyday and helped me focus on the abundance of what's in front of me, which tempers the reaching and the pursuing and the wanting.

When we use states of being that promote our physiological well-being, strength and resilience, we are better equipped to walk through the desires and the wanting and the pursuing. Plus, we get more clear on what we want and more cognizant of where we spend our energy. 

I would also argue that we’ve been taught to feel shame for some of our wants, thanks to gender conditioning. “I shouldn't want this and that I should want this.”

Jen: Oh yeah. Definitely. And again, this is all designed to keep us in a state of which we are lower so you can extract from us. So I love that you're like, No, it's okay to want things because that desire is okay. Because I always think about how we're co-creating the world that we want to live in and desire helps fuel that. We want the world to be a better place, right? Okay, final question, How do I work with you? 

Maureen: I love working with people. It’s such a privilege to work one on one with people or teach classes or do speaking engagements. A good way to find me is on my site, maureen-paley.com. Connect with me and get in touch. 

Jen: Thanks so much for all this. I really appreciate your time.

Maureen: This was awesome. I'm so thrilled that we got to talk.

May 2024
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by Nadia Murdock
photo by Avinash Kumar

It’s true that mental health care and support in the U.S. isn’t great. In fact, a 2023 study found that over half of adults with mental illness do not receive any care. The study also estimates there are 350 patients for every one mental health care provider in the U.S. And they suggest that ratio might even be more grim. 

So it’s not simply a case of a “mental healthcare” stigma. Cost, access, and time are all part of the problem. And all this news comes at a time when rates of depression are at an all time high. We need better options for managing it.

There is a movement underway to clear pathways to therapy. Online options have popped up that include everything from helping you find a therapist to support groups to virtual therapy itself. Here are a few: 

My Wellbeing

According to the American Psychological Association, finding the right therapist—one you can trust—is essential for you getting the most out of therapy. My Wellbeing is an online service that helps match you with a compatible therapist. It’s fast, easy and personalized and the initial matching process is free. It also has community groups that include Black Lives Matter, crisis resources and free BIPOC support groups. 

MommyBrain

Whether you’re one of the countless moms suffering from Stay-at-Home Mom Depression or one of the 42% of working moms struggling with anxiety or depression, you know how hard life feels. MommyBrain is a digital network offering therapists and parenting specialists who know what you’re going through. It’s a judgment-free environment where you can feel safe and supported.

Elements Therapy Group

This therapy group offers their services in person at their Sherman Oaks, California center and virtually if you can’t make it to their offices. They treat all ages and specialize in mood disorders, addiction, trauma, relationships and more with specializations in trauma, anxiety, childhood trauma and life transitions. 

Alisa Stamps, MSS, LCSW

If you’re in Pennsylvania and are struggling with healing from emotional abuse, disordered eating, or cult or religious trauma, Alisa offers virtual appointments in addition to in-person. She also co-authored a workbook that you can go through at your own pace as well. 

Taking the step towards therapy isn’t necessarily easy, but know you are not alone and that there are resources to support you. 

Have a resource you’d like to share that can help? Let us know. 

May 2024
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by Betsaida LeBron
photos Getty Images

I used to work for a company where everything was a mad rush. Emails demanded instant replies, phone calls and texts required immediate responses. It was chaos, and it was exhausting.

Sound familiar?

When everything is labeled "urgent," it becomes challenging to know what genuinely needs immediate attention and what can afford to wait a beat.

Working in constant stress can take a toll on productivity and the overall quality of work. Often, I found myself rushing through tasks, not dedicating the thoughtful consideration they deserved. It was only later, after I learned I was neurodivergent, that I understood how this false sense of urgency amplified my challenges.

Even if you don't identify as "neurospicy," reducing false urgency is beneficial for everyone, and something I emphasize with my leadership coaching clients. By taking back control of your time and prioritizing tasks effectively, you can foster a more balanced and harmonious work-life.

The Urgency Illusion

Let's talk about urgency - not the real, immediate kind, but the fake urgency that seems to permeate our workplaces.

I remember at that same job, my colleague - let's call her Jane - got an email from a client. They wanted some info Jane didn’t have right away. Jane, feeling the pressure, bolted to my desk for help ASAP.

Jane was stressed, and it was contagious. I started to worry, wondering how we could gather the info quickly.

We both put down what we were working on, scrambled for the info, but guess what? The client didn’t need it until next week. Jane got swept up in the client's fake urgency, and I got swept up in Jane’s.

Funny enough, this sense of urgency didn't assist us at all. In fact, it messed up our productivity. I was working on something else when Jane stormed into my office. Once we finished, I had to start over and find my rhythm again.

Wish I could say that was a one-off, but fake urgency is all over the place. It’s easy to get caught up when you’re put on the spot. I've been there, asked for info I didn't have ready. It's tempting to panic and feel like you have to fix everything right then. But I've learned to step back, think it through, and not rush tasks just to tick them off. After all, work tasks come in every day and often more than once. The growing pressure can make the urgency feel huge.

And it's worth mentioning that constant urgency is not only unhelpful, it’s unhealthy. It throws our bodies and minds into stress mode, kicking off the "fight or flight" response. That can lead to headaches, tense muscles, and sleep issues, as well as mental stuff like anxiety and burnout.

So, you get how harmful false urgency can be. You might be thinking, "What can we do about it?" Good news! There are a few simple strategies to tackle this fake urgency and make our work life healthier and happier.

Reducing False Urgency

1. Take a breath and reassess

Taking a quick break to reassess the situation can do wonders. It's like hitting a pause button to clear your head. This allows you to objectively analyze what's on your plate, the resources you have to tackle it, and how urgent it really is. It's a game-changer that helps manage stress, make smart decisions, and maintain balance.

TAKE ACTION: Take three deep breaths and change your location for a fresh perspective.

2. Acknowledge your humanity

To deal with false urgency, remember you're human. Perfection isn't the goal. Not every task is a sprint, and it's OK not to have immediate answers. Appreciate yourself for being you, not for how fast you can beat the clock.

TAKE ACTION: Try this "I Love My Spot" game. Look around your immediate surroundings and find three things that make you happy. Say their names out loud and express your love for them. This reminds you to stay present and relaxed, disconnecting from any sense of urgency and connecting with the joy around you.

3. Use tools to help your brain out

Don't try to remember everything on your own. Use tools to make it easier. Use calendars to keep track of your schedule, write down ideas in note-taking apps, and use project management tools to manage tasks. If you're in a hurry, use voice memos to record your thoughts quickly. Collaborative platforms make it easy to communicate with your team and share documents. These tools don't just help manage your workload, they also help reduce stress, letting you focus on work and relax.

TAKE ACTION: Make a list of the tools you're using right now or the ones you're thinking of trying out. Remember, not every tool suits everyone. If a tool doesn't work for you, it's okay to stop using it or look for a different one.

Redefining Urgency

In our fast-moving work world, it's easy to feel like we're always racing against the clock. We rush from task to task, with little time for careful thought or planning. But here's a reality check: not everything is as urgent as it might seem. By keeping a handle on our sense of urgency, and using strategies like taking regular breaks, using helpful tools, and remembering we're only human, we can create a more relaxed, effective, and enjoyable workspace.

So, let's push back against the pressure to always be in a rush and take a more mindful, strategic approach to our work. After all, taking our time doesn't mean we're dropping the ball; it just means we're juggling our tasks in a way that respects our well-being and boosts our productivity.

If you're a manager looking for ways to take back your time, schedule your free strategy kickoff. Let's strategize and brainstorm how you can reduce the false urgency in your leadership role.

May 2024
Table of Contents

by Jennifer Cooper
Studio photos by Clara Wang Photography

The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung famously said, “Life really does begin at 40. Up until then you are just doing research.” It turns the whole concept of a midlife “crisis” on its head, doesn’t it? You’re not actually in crisis mode, you’re in confidence mode. And when you’re in confidence mode, you’re ready for positive change. 

Natasha Ali spent more than 20 years as a news producer. The award-winning journalist worked for networks and stations like HLN, NY1, and ABC. But after facing years of ageism, racism, and motherhood-ism, which Natasha calls “sexism's sister,” she knew she needed to start something new. 

So this spring she joined the fastest growing group of entrepreneurs in the US and opened Deka Lash, an eyelash extension franchise that empowers women entrepreneurs through mentorship and wealth building.

Natasha is past the research stage. Now the self-described “late bloomer” has taken that experience and turned it into her next chapter: carrying on the long tradition of women helping other women feel beautiful and empowered.

Tell me about the new Upper Saddle River, NJ studio! What can I expect as a client?

Your Deka Lash experience starts once you enter the door. Our proprietary scent is welcoming and inviting. It’s not quite like a spa, so not sugary sweet, but the smell brings a smile to your face like "Yeah, I could hang out here for a while". Then there's the vibe. The open air concept invites you in. There are no big walls or dark partitions between stations. Then, you are welcomed to our ergonomic lash bed to go over your consultation. Once you decide on a service, you're given a cozy blanket to use for your lash, brow or skin care experience. From there it's up to you on how you want to zone out and enjoy the next hour or two.   

I feel like we all need a pivot from time to time—either out of desire or necessity. What prompted yours?

It was out of desire, and I was pushed! I spent more than 20 years as a TV news producer in New York City. I covered everything from crime to entertainment. I eventually got tired of the rat race and had been looking at work-from-home alternatives for many years…then the pandemic hit. I was lucky enough to produce a TV show from my living room for a while but I knew it wouldn't last. Little did I know that my husband was investigating off-ramps for both of us by investing in a franchise. After months of research, we decided on Deka Lash. I knew I couldn't juggle TV and a new venture and a few months before I was about to quit, I got laid off. It was divine timing. 

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Deka Lash Upper Saddle River (@dekalashuppersaddleriver) • Instagram photos and videos

Going into entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart. What keeps you motivated these days?

I am task oriented - so I am motivated on a day to day basis if I have a list (or a number of lists). That said, I do what I can do when I can do it. I think in our "hustle culture" we put too much pressure on ourselves to be at 100% every single day. If I'm struggling with perimenopause, anxiety or just having a crap day, I try to give myself some grace. I am privileged to be my own boss so if I need to move things a bit later in my day or shorten the day's "to do" list, I do it. That way I stay motivated and don't get overwhelmed. 

My long-term motivation for success is continuing my family legacy. My husband and I are both first-generation Guyanese-Americans. We are profoundly inspired by our parents who came to this country as young adults to pursue their education and embark on better lives. We want our children to understand "who they are" and "whose they are" and to lay a financial foundation for them to build upon.

You’ve said you feel like a “late bloomer.” I think a lot of us can relate to feeling. At least I know I can. Oof! I have to believe there’s some benefit to it though, right? So I’m going to try to put a positive spin on it with this next question: What’s one of the biggest revelations or gifts being a “late bloomer” has given you? 

The biggest revelation is that everything happens in its time. While my education and career were mostly on the fast track my social and emotional growth was "late". 

I hit puberty later than my friends, I didn't get into boys until I was in college, I got married at 40 and had my first child at 41. I now realize that I wasn't late. I was just growing into who I always was. I also think about the jokers I could have ended up with if I wasn't late. “Oof.”

Okay, this one’s for fun! What’s one of your favorite beauty tips, other than having a gorgeous set of lashes? 

I was also "late" to skincare! In the last few years I have been getting Korean body scrubs. It's not for the meek. I'm laying there getting scrubbed in every nook and cranny, in awe by this intimate tradition that goes back hundreds of years of women helping women feel beautiful. It's one of the reasons I think Deka Lash is so special. I think lashes, gorgeous skin and lipstick are the perfect armor to face our daily battles. 

Click here to book your appointment at the Upper Saddle River, NJ studio or email uppersaddleriver@dekalash.com or call (551) 284-3181.

May 2024
Table of Contents

by Alyssa Zander
photo by Nick Francher

When it comes to doing inner child healing, our presence and coming back to it over and over again is key. We have to remember that we are building and cultivating a loving and safe relationship with these parts of us, and they may need time and devotion before they start trusting you. Try not to take is personally, and stay compassionate and curious. Just like shadow work, this is not a one and done, this is an ongoing relationship that we are nurturing and growing over time.

Step 1 Shadow Work

Many people lack knowing where to start when it comes to inner child healing for the simple reason that they don’t do the shadow work first.

Starting with shadow work supports you in accessing and getting to the root, or core wound that is activated or triggered.

How you do shadow work is important too, because it will help you know what to focus on and is an access point for tending to you inner child.

Think of it like a recipe: shadow work is the ingredients, while the inner child healing is putting it all together and making something beautiful out of it.

And ultimately, if you don’t get to the root right away that’s ok. It’s a process and only you and your body know your capacity, so trust and lean into wherever you are at. It’s important to withhold judgement, which is why curiosity and compassion is so important in this work.

When we are triggered or activated that is the perfect time to do this work. The questions you want to ask to get to the root is:

“If I (action)… then, (feared or assumed outcome)”

For example: 

“If I clean the house even though I’m tired and don’t want to, then he will appreciate me and won’t leave”

• How do I feel when I do that?

  • Alone and unappreciated 

    • So if I feel alone and unappreciated then I am perpetuating feeling alone through my own actions, anyways

So the fear is being alone, and this is what we’ll work with in the following steps.

If I can’t seem to get to the root: 

If there is a block and I can't seem to get to the fear underneath my trigger I’ll ask myself: 

“What is this part of me afraid I will find?”

“What is this part of me protecting me from?”

Get more curious, rather than defeated.

To make this step go as smoothly as possible, make sure you uncover the root by using the following tips:

• Write it out. Using pen and paper helps our minds get out of the way and that is VERY important for this part of the process.

• After every response ask more questions: “And if X happen, then… (what am I afraid will happen?)”

• Try to go a few layers deep with the questions, if possible, to get to the root. Again, you know your capacity.

Having a hard time navigating the shadow work piece? You’re not alone. Our shadows are hidden for a reason— they don’t want to be seen. That’s why writing can be supportive, but this is also why I created Codependency Alchemy: The Membership. I love helping you 1:1 in navigating the shadow work prompts to help you get to the root. 

Why is midlife is the perfect time to do inner child & shadow work?

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Step 2 Somatics: Where does the fear live in your body?

The next critical step to meeting your inner child is doing somatics. This step is important because it helps you tap into your bodies story instead of fixating on your mind, and supports you in accessing where your body is holding onto this pattern or fear.

Before I realized how important this step was, I made some mistakes that stopped me from really making huge shifts in my healing journey. 

I would usually go immediately into wanting to make the feeling “go away”. I wanted it to stop and seize to exist, which was really me just pushing this part of me away even more— which made things harder in my life, and it showed!

I also had this tendency to believe that once I did an inner child healing that it would mean that part of me was “healed” and I would never have to tend to the part of me that feared being alone again, for example. I seriously could not be more wrong! Initially I had a lot of judgment towards myself and I would say things like “I didn’t do it good enough” or “I did it wrong” and then I usually felt like shit and helpless. 

Once I really shifted my perspective on the whole freaking point of inner child healing, I was able to actually see how this work is an on-going gift that we continue to give to ourselves, and that the relationship we have with these different parts of us evolve and change over time.

By bringing awareness to where fear resides, we gain insights into our emotional landscape, facilitating healing and integration.

Step 3: What does it look and feel like?

The next step is to bring your awareness to as many descriptors as possible. Take a few breaths to really tune into the details of where the fear lives in your body and what it feels like.

Understanding the physical manifestation of our fears within our body is like the access point for us to reach our inner child. By attuning to our bodies sensations, we gain invaluable insights into the underlying emotional landscape of our inner child. 

To get started, you can ask yourself these questions:

• Does it have a color?

• What is the shape, or size?

• Is there a texture?

• Is it heavy, or light? Is it soft, or hard?

Through simple questions about color, shape, size, texture, weight, and consistency, we can explore the nuanced sensations associated with the fear, empowering ourselves to navigate and process our emotions more effectively.

Find the rest of the 10 steps to reparenting yourself on Alyssa’s Substack.

May 2024
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by Julia Washington
photo by Ryoji Iwata

Mother’s Day doesn’t always bring warm and fuzzy feelings for everyone. Television commercials would have you believe that giving birth is the only true and real path to motherhood. But the reality is that motherhood is far more complicated and confusing than that. It exists in a myriad of ways all of which seem to include a layer of shame that should be reserved for something else. As a single mother, I find myself coming up against stereotypes that never fit, because how often do they?

In honor of the complicated existence that is motherhood, I’ve compiled a list of books with complicated mothers who, maybe misunderstood, maybe the judgment is deserved. Regardless, the mothers depicted in these books remind us that motherhood is a collection of emotions we often don’t have the opportunity to explore. 

Little Fires Everywhere

by Celeste Ng

When I first read Little Fires Everywhere in 2018, I took to Instagram and said, “Never in my adult life have I read a book that so beautifully and eloquently encapsulates the kind of motherhood I’ve experienced. The story reminds us of the deep complexities of family, relationships, motherhood, and every kind of love.” This remains mostly true. 

It’s the 1990s, Shaker Heights, Ohio, and two very different families are brought together by their children. Elena Richardson, a perfectly punctuated wife and mother of two is dutiful and devoted, despite the ways she shows her love to her family. Mia Warren, single mother of one, an artist, and just as devoted of a mother, just not in the way the world is used to. Over the course of the novel secrets are revealed, ideology is challenged, and friendships are tested, not just for the children either. 

338 pages, Hardcover, First published September 12, 2017

There Was a Little Girl

by Brooke Shields

What seems like a response to the horrific reputation of her mother Teri Shields, Brooke Shields writes about not only her life as an actress but how her mother played a major in all of it. It’s very clear that Brooke loved her mother dearly, and felt they had a special bond. What’s unclear is how someone like Teri Shields became the woman she was. Brooke speaks of her mother with affection, adoration, and what I think she believes is understanding. I found myself wanting to learn more about Teri; what happened in her life that led her to become the momager, an alcoholic, who was criticized at every turn for how she raised Brooke, and why her father didn’t intervene more when it became clear Teri had an alcohol problem.

So often mothers are vilified for every bad decision when raising their children and there is a strong argument for Teri as such. But Brooke is so content, or at least seems at peace with the way she and her mother live. Originally, I thought how would 2024 Brooke Shields feel about her past life now, but then remembered in the 2023 documentary Pretty Baby: Brooke Sheilds she still seemed adamant in defending her mother, still didn’t quite understand the inappropriateness of her early films. There has yet to be an era where women can fully actualize, especially for single mothers in the 1960s. And while we will never learn about Teri Shields's life before becoming mother to Brooke, I will always wonder about her. 

416 pages, Hardcover Published November 18, 2014 by Dutto

Passing

by Nella Larsen

Following the lives and relationships of Clare Kennedy and Irene Redfield, two women who both can pass for white. One passes for convenience, while the other passes as a way of life. These two, once friends in childhood, are reconnected in adulthood when Clare and her husband move to New York. Over the course of the novel we get insight into both their worlds leaving the reader considering their own views on race, class, and womanhood. 

While the main themes of this book are not generally associated with motherhood, Larsen captures the concerns of motherhood in a way that isn’t exactly about motherhood, but rather how a child’s appearance may affect the mother’s life. While the main characters of this novel, pass for different reasons, the presence of children is a threat. Though there is no doubt for their love of their children, there is fear of having more because when it comes to genetics, especially in the 1920s, the unknown isn’t worth the risk. These women are navigating a system, a world that has never been designed for their safe existence. Though our perceptions of have changed in some ways, the effects of colorism are still prevalent making Larsen’s observations still relevant today. 

160 pages, Paperback First published April 1, 1929

Ready or Not

by Cara Bastone

Living in New York, and working in environmental preservation, Eve Hatch is mostly content with her life until one day she discovers she’s pregnant. Not only does she now have to navigate impending motherhood, but as it turns out this isn’t the only life-changing event but other revelations in her life. Where there was once comfort with her best friend WIlla, she finds distance. 

I truly thought this book was going to wreck me even though it’s a contemporary slow-burn friends-to-lovers story. To know me is to know that unexpected pregnancy is what defined the start of my twenties and the differences between Eve and me were glaring. She had a job with an agency she believed in, even though it wasn’t the role she wanted; so while she wasn’t completely established, she was able to take care of herself and do most things an almost thirty-something college grad can do for herself. But this pregnancy cracks open every single relationship in her life in ways she couldn’t have anticipated.

400 pages, Paperback First published February 13, 2024

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Photos by Femily & Christine Alward

Sacramento, California. It’s the capital of the fifth largest economy in the world, birthplace of LeVar Burton, and the backdrop of the movie about a mother and daughter’s complex relationship that was so powerful it catapulted a female director’s career into the stratosphere. It’s also the part-time home of Silicon Valley’s Gender Equity Advisor, Femily. Here’s how she spends a day in SacTown.

MORNING

Drawing/journaling + mushroom coffee in bed (childfree) + cat lounging, force myself to workout (jog or home bike or obé online strength class). 

MID-MORNING

Co-working session in the self-development designer library at my new glam, women-centered co-working wellness social club for artists, entrepreneurs, femme bosses and those who love us: The Jacquelyn, midtown Sac. 

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LUNCH BREAK option 1

Shopping at Queer Shoppe, Oak Park. I love that Amelia at Queer Shoppe remembers my style and always recommends things when I visit, “Oooh do you need a retro swimsuit for the Russian River (queer) women’s weekend?”

LUNCH BREAK option 2:

A bookstore browse at Underground Books (Black woman-owned!). It’s my fave for placing orders when I hear about a book on NPR or from a pal and grabbing them once they’re in.

A POWER HOUR (OR TWO)

With my corporate clients: tech leaders who want their companies to be as welcoming and fair for women + BIPOC + LGBTQAIs+ as they are for everyone else. 

MID-AFTERNOON

Plant care + porch reading. Or a nap. 

EVENING

Cooking time or, a date with the honey at Saigon Alley, for the best vegan (Beyond) pho. Or with the pals at Bambi Vegan Tacos. Or at Lobrau, a gay-centered beer hall.

May 2024
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by Keri Emme

When the NYTimes released their annual Best Dressed list for 2023 it was zero surprise to no one in the fat community, that there were no fat people included on the list. Would you like to know who was included on the list?

• A congressman, simply because he wears bowties.

• A cockroach on the red carpet at the Met Gala

• A Las Vegas Arena (The Sphere) covered in LED lights

• An AI iteration of the Pope (Not the real Pope, just a digital picture someone created using the Pope’s likeness)

• Movie characters who A) Are not real people, and B) didn’t have any say in their wardrobe (b/c they are fictional characters portrayed by an actor)

• The topless wooden woman at the front of Jeff Besos boat (can you be best dressed when you aren’t wearing clothes?)

And still, even though NYTimes has a veeeeery loose definition of what “best dressed” means… 

(I mean bow ties? Is that all it takes to be top tier fashion? At least the cockroach had the good sense to walk the red carpet at the biggest fashion event of the year)

…Not a single person, fictional character, or inanimate object was fat.

I can already hear the naysayers out there trying to logic their way into why fat people wouldn’t be on a “best dressed” list with nonsense like 

“fAt BoDiEs ArE hArDeR tO dReSs”

Or

“tHeRe ArEn’T eNoUgH fAsHiOnAbLe cLoThEs iN bIg SiZeS fOr sOmEoNe tO bE cOnSiStEnTlY “bEsT dReSsEd”

Yes, it is harder for a fat person to find quality fashion than it is for a thin person; on the whole designers don’t cater to larger sizes. And yet fat people continue to express themselves through fashion, they continue to show up and impress and dazzle with the options they have. (And they look waaaay better than the fake Pope in a dated puffy jacket).

A few famous fat people I might put forward for the best dressed list:

• Kathy Bates, she’s always extremely well put together

• Lizzo, full of glam and the power of MORE

• Melissa McCarthy, the embodiment of fun, playful, and flirty

• Chrissy Metz, always finding unique outfits to help her stand out

Not including fat people on a list like this is because fat people weren’t submitted as options. If by some chance a fat person managed to be in the running, they were quickly dismissed because we are taught from a young age that fat bodies are shameful, that people should look away from fat bodies. “Don’t stare, it’s rude!”

But what if that fat person is wearing a killer outfit? It deserves to be stared at right? So how do we move away from a world where we shove fat people into the shadows, treating them as an embarrassing blight on an otherwise perfectly thin society?

The answer is surprisingly simple: By giving our attention and support to fat people who are out there sharing their lives publicly

It’s time to get real and ask yourself, how diverse is the body size of the people I follow? 

I encourage all of us to spend time throughout 2024 (and beyond) seeking out fat people that are doing things we want to amplify.

I promise you, they are out there in abundance, but they are more easily ignored because they aren’t conventionally thin, and society has taught us that a person's value (their worthiness of attention and support) is inversely proportional to the size of their body.

Listen to our Podcast with Intuitive Personal Stylist Susan Padron

Let’s break the weight stigma and start actively seeking out fat people that create the kind of content you enjoy. Whether that’s crafting, yoga poses in public places, poetry, social activism, fashion, mental health awareness, makeup tutorials, or whatever else floats your boat (looking at you Besos). Find fat people that are creating the content you like and give them a follow. 

Seeing a variety of body shapes and sizes in your daily scroll will help you unlearn the narrative that fat=shameful, and in turn it can help influence the content that we demand from the mainstream media. 

Here’s a few accounts I’ve really been enjoying to give you a jump start: 

@lizzobeeating

For all the BTS content of a musical queen.

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A post shared by Lizzo (@lizzobeeating)

@neoqlassicalart

Crystal Water reimagines Disney characters in larger sizes and her art is such a treat.

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A post shared by Crystal Walter (@neoqlassicalart)

@yrfatfriend

Aubrey Gordon is a writer, filmmaker, and podcaster that is tackling weight bias head on!

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A post shared by Jeanie Finlay (@jeaniefinlay)

@kamsendoo

An account of pure love, Msendoo Mbachilin holds nothing back, helping us pick out fashion and showing off her joy unabashedly.

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A post shared by Msendoo Mbachilin (@kamsendoo)

@bodyimage_therapist

Ashlee Bennett is an Art Therapist and Author that is a strong voice in the fat positive movement.

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A post shared by Ashlee Bennett, AThR (@bodyimage_therapist)

@kenziebrenna

A Canadian writer who reflects on body image and consistently challenges the status quo.

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A post shared by kenzie brenna. (@kenziebrenna)

@alexlight_ldn

While Alex Light falls in the straight size category, her dedication to body confidence and finding comfort in the skin you're in, dimples, cellulite, birthmarks, and all puts her on this list! (Plus, she’s not afraid to call out the media and trolls for their fat bias).

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A post shared by Alex Light - Body Confidence 🕊 (@alexlight_ldn)

@louisegreen_bigfitgirl

A fitness girly who shows the world that exercise doesn’t come in just 1 size.

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A post shared by Louise Green (@louisegreen_bigfitgirl)

@jill_grun

A self-described Fat Queer Xennial Witchy Writer, Jill Grunenwald is filling the world with cozy, snarky vibes. 

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A post shared by Jill Grunenwald (@jill_grun)

These people all make great, interesting content and have a more diverse body shape than what the media likes to present. Many of them speak specifically to body image and their size, but there are a whole slew of people out there who simply exist, are fat, and make great content about the topics you care about. Go find them. 

You may also enjoy:

More from Keri Emme

photography by Sean Brooklyn Photography

On February 3, Jennifer Magazine’s Wellness Contributor Nadia Murdock was spotted at Santander Bank - World Cafe for The 5 Commitments Vision workshop.

The event, hosted by entrepreneurs, Osayamen Bartholomew and Rene Abdo, featured a panel discussion and workshop that went beyond creating a simple vision strategy plan. Instead participants left with practical tools to overcome obstacles hindering personal growth.

Panelist included:

• Nadia Murdock: Certified Mindset & Movement Coach, Founder, Nadia Murdock Fit

• Marsha Guerrier, Founder & CEO of HerSuiteSpot®, TEDx Speaker and Bestselling Author.

• Sirobè Carstafhnur, CEO, SIROBÈ

• Georgina Jean-Dusseck, Founder/CEO, J.D. Body Treats

“The biggest take away was to take action and put yourself first,” says Nadia. “Finding time in your life to prioritize your mental and physical health is needed in order to achieve your career goals.”

Couldn’t make it to the event?

You can still make a commitment to your financial wellness this year with these two free gifts from the co-hosts:

• A complimentary eBook, The Tax Shop Client Guide . It simplifies the process of identifying and recording your activities for this year’s tax season.

• And A Better Me Goal Sheet. You can download it here: www.thegiftagency.com/download.

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More from Nadia

by Holly Holt

Open the arms. Open the heart. Allow yourself to be held. To hug is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. How often do you let yourself be vulnerable? 

Until midlife, I didn’t like hugging.

I know not everyone will understand this. “But hugs are the best!” they’ll say. The truth is: some people adapt to physical closeness a little slower than others. We learn to hug over time. Even though hugs are scientifically proven to be beneficial to humans, some of us have had a complex relationship with them. 

Highly Sensitive People and Ancestral Trauma

I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) who grew up with loving parents—loving parents who had unhealed trauma. Not only did I carry this ancestral trauma in my cells, the sensory and emotional overwhelm I felt living in a sensitive body led me to armor up and keep people at a distance. This is not the way all highly sensitive people cope, but it’s the way I did.

Because of this, it has taken me a lifetime to reach toward others for a hug.

My closest personal friendship, one that lasted from my teens to my early 50s, was hug-free. This changed in midlife when I began doing work to heal my own unhealthy patterns, including my aversion to hugging. Unfortunately, when I started sharing healing resources with her and telling the truth about my own experiences, our relationship became strained and eventually ended. I realize now that this friendship acted as a buffer, keeping other people (potential friends) at arm’s length.

Yes, HSPs Hug, but with conditions

I wanted to know if anyone else’s stories mirrored mine in any way. I asked other HSPs inside Facebook groups created just for us how they felt about hugging. The answers weren’t as all-over-the-place as I expected. The responses did, indeed, help me feel less alone.

Although there were a few people who loved hugs unconditionally and another small group that detested being touched at all, the overwhelming response was that HSPs like hugs and feel best hugging people they love like family and maybe close friends. They had good reasons for this. Several talked about overstimulation—the sights, sounds, textures, and temperature in their environment impacted them so deeply, hugs felt overwhelming. For example, hugging people who smelled strongly (of anything from cigarettes to perfume) was a “no.” Since HSPs pick up on the energy and even the intentions of other people, most respondents felt uncomfortable hugging strangers or people who gave off an insincere or “creepy vibe.” 

I felt a kinship to almost all of the responses of my sister HSPs but especially that last one. As a child, I was taught that men who tried to touch me in any way were dangerous. As a teen, I felt very pressured by certain girls to hug their male friends. Poor boys! When they tried, I slithered out with the agility of an alley cat. Hugging began to feel like a way for boys to “get” something from me, something I was not ready to give. 

Many HSP women who responded to my questions on Facebook also felt uncomfortable with opposite-sex hugging. Some only liked “side hugs” and others shared that they absorbed so much energy from other people that hugging was actually exhausting. 

But my big a-ha moment came when these HSPs told me their relationship to hugging evolved with age. Quite a few mentioned that hugs became more desirable as they got older and as they worked to heal and understand themselves better. Others said that the shutdown during the Pandemic showed them how much they needed hugs for their mental, emotional, and physical health.

What is a highly sensitive person (or HSP)?

Coined by research psychologist Elaine Aron, an HSP may experience:

• Heightened senses: Not surprisingly, we’re sensitive to our environment. We notice the smallest changes in things like temperature and scents around us and may react in ways that can sometimes seem strange to others. 

• Being an energetic sponges: In the same way we absorb stimuli from our environment, we take in the energy and emotions of the people around us. This can be absolutely exhausting until we learn to create some boundaries.

• Heightened need for alone-time: HSPs absorb so much of the world around us, so downtime is essential. We withdraw to survive. Because we live in a very forward-facing world, we often feel misunderstood for our need to be alone.

• Thoughts and emotions more deeply: HSPs spend lots of time reflecting, which can lead to overthinking and anxiety. It can also lead us to create beautiful art and develop a deep compassion for others.

• An intense appreciation of beauty: We can lose ourselves in a song or a sunset. We are drawn to nature, art, and kindness and don’t often realize that others don’t usually feel the same way. 

• A “knowing”: This has to do with our ability to perceive the smallest cues, from the first signs of a gas leak to suspicious body language. Strangely, this ability is not usually seen as a gift by non-HSPs. 

Self-Compassion for Your Highly Sensitive Body

Living in bodies like ours and feeling life so deeply often compels us to explore the “why.” Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be like everyone else? Most HSPs I know have filled countless notebooks with journal entries, poetry, and wild imaginings. We’ve tried talk therapy, somatics (including yoga), done our share of shadow work and read every book we can find. We want to understand. We also want to feel comfortable in our bodies, comfortable enough to share a hug. 

When I started to do my own healing work in midlife, my self-flagellation slowly shifted into self-compassion. That’s when I started to draw a different kind of friend into my life: The hugger.

Enter the Huggers

It started with the “Waldorf moms” at my son’s school. These earth mamas, devoted to personal growth and an art and nature-infused education for their children, felt different. For them a hug was as natural as breathing. They invited me into their open arms, never forcing it. I leaned in with trepidation and a spine so stiff, it crackled. But with each embrace, they softened me.

It continued with the “yoga people.” I fell in love with yoga in the mid-90s, and found a yoga community led by another HSP in 2011. She asked me to wrap my arms around myself and “give myself a hug.” With each solo hug and the deep wholehearted hugs from the teachers, the crackling of my spine became a cracked open heart. My heart opened so wide, I became a yoga teacher, too. 

With each experience of acceptance and love, I started to realize that I, once a hesitant misanthrope, now longed for community. I began to really like people, to love them, in fact. 

Paying it forward

One of the most important moments in my personal healing journey was the day I joined a writing group using the Amherst Writers & Artists Method (AWA). These people were huggers, too. I felt so at home that I signed up to become a certified AWA writing facilitator. 

Today, I lead embodied writing circles especially designed for sensitive, creative women because I know how important it is for HSPs (and HSP-adjacent women) to process our stories. Gathering in a virtual circle, moving together, and sharing our imperfectly beautiful and true writing feels like the best kind of hug ever. And I love to give these women hugs in real life too when we get the chance to be in person together because the intimacy and trust has been built slowly and gently through story sharing.

So yes, I’ve become a person who not only learned to hug, but one who has learned to love hugs. 

No matter where you sit on the “hugger” spectrum, know that we are all in a state of growth and healing. My hope for everyone is that we feel safe giving and getting hugs someday and that everyone in the world learns to feel safe in their bodies and that every body is safe in the world.

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by Betsaida LeBron

Recently, a friend invited me out for a group dinner. I knew some of the people there, while others were complete strangers. In the past, I’d jump at these opportunities. But now, I often find myself needing a bit of a pep talk to embrace a social invite. So I gave myself a nudge and decided to go. 

At the dinner, there was conversation, but the atmosphere felt a bit off. It was as if each person was having dinner alone. They just happened to be sharing the same table.

When I got home, I felt disappointed with how the night turned out. But instead of using this letdown as another reason to avoid going out, I decided to take a closer look at what really happened. Here’s what I noticed: 

Group Dynamics

As a coach for leaders and teams, I'm always observing group dynamics. So, after this dinner, I couldn't help but wonder about the group interactions and why the night didn't quite meet my expectations. Everyone was physically present, but there seemed to be a lack of energetic engagement.

Before I blame anyone else, I need to admit I was part of the equation too. It hit me that I’d shown up hoping to soak up all the good vibes from others. I planned to receive positive energy, but I'd forgotten I have a responsibility to offer positive energy as well. This is what we call an energy exchange and ours that night was blocked. 

Energy Exchange

Emotions are part of a human energy exchange. We are constantly putting out energy through our emotions and receiving energy in the form of the emotions of others. We're all like little beacons of energy, radiating our energy and picking up the energy of others. What we feel is the energy colliding and vibrating. That’s why we call it a 'vibe.' That vibe is the shared vibrations that form when we amplify our energies.

Human interaction is a two-way street; a dance of give and take. It's not just what we stand to gain from others, but also what we bring to the table. This exchange of energy is an integral part of our social interactions. It's what binds us together at work, in our relationships, and even with strangers.

Dynamics of Energy

Here's the funny thing about energy: it multiplies. When we collectively tap into a vibe, it's like our energies get together and have a party of their own. The more we invest in the vibe, the bigger the party gets. So, there's actually so much to gain when we actively contribute!

When we don’t contribute to the collective energy—either by holding back our energy or keeping our emotions to ourselves—we’re disrupting the natural rhythm of human interaction. It creates an imbalance that can leave us feeling out of sync and detached because we’re not fully participating in the collective experience. Sure, we may be physically present, but we’re not truly engaged.

Emotional Cost of Disconnection

Let's be honest, things have shifted since the pandemic. I've felt it too. Over time most of us, without realizing it, have forgotten how to freely share our energy in order to contribute to a collective vibe. We’ve fallen into the unintentional pattern of holding back our energy, not realizing the impact it has on ourselves and those around us.

I'll admit, I've found myself being more cautious with my energy, too. It's like I've put up an invisible shield, becoming more selective about where I channel my energy. It's almost like I'm holding an internal interview, assessing if a person or a situation truly deserves my energy before I let any of it flow their way.

Over time, this mostly subconscious self-imposed isolation can cultivate a deep sense of loneliness. It happens because we're not nurturing the necessary connections with those around us. We're not actively participating in the ebb and flow of energy that is vital for community building and personal satisfaction. Last year, the US Surgeon General raised the alarm about the epidemic of loneliness and isolation. This is a downside of not sharing our energy. We end up feeling disconnected and alone.

Catch the Vibe

If we want to see things change we must be the change we want to see in the world. Although that can feel like an overwhelming responsibility, it doesn’t have to be. Big change always starts small.

Imagine if we all decided to bring intentional energy into every room we walked into. Imagine if we saw our energy as something that could be multiplied and shared. We could transform our communities. And the best part? It's good for us too.

Let's start thinking of our energy as an investment in the world we want to live in, instead of something we must jealously guard. Sure, it might feel a bit risky, like being the first one on the dance floor. But hey, someone's got to feel the rhythm and be willing to start the party, right? Why not us?

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by Alyssa Zander

When I think about the month of February I think about intimacy, and probably not in the way you might be thinking about intimacy when reading that word. Maybe it’s because February is commonly seen as the month of love, or maybe it’s because it’s my birthday month, but during this time every year I go really deep with myself because the deeper we see ourselves, the deeper we are able to see others. 

Meeting my shadow self has helped me learn how to fully embrace all parts of myself, and this is unconditional self-love. To love the parts of myself that are uncomfortable to admit to is an act of activism, love, and peace.  I want to share with you the questions that helped me find my shadow self, and the tools I use to help me bring deeper intimacy with it.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” -Carl. G. Jung

See, what drew me to Jungian theory and shadow work was that it deeply aligned with my core beliefs and values of bringing our work inward. I had spent the majority of my life focusing outwardly and trying to get other people to see why they needed to care, heal, advocate, etc. It was my way of trying to control a world that felt out of control. It was also my way of avoiding the parts of myself I tried to keep hidden.

What is the shadow self? 

Jung speaks about coming into wholeness: a state of completion of the human soul that comes from psychological awareness, self-knowledge, and self-acceptance. 

Our shadow is the repressed aspect of our personality. It’s the part of us that our ego deems as unpleasant or unattractive. Shadow aspects of ourselves are usually unconscious (not known to you), until you bring them into consciousness. The more conscious we become of these parts the lest they run the show without our knowing. 

The shadow aspects of myself are the parts of me that judge, compare, hate, and experience envy (to name a few). Perhaps they are the same for you too. 

When I repress these parts of me, they only get louder and bigger. And they’d wind up running my emotions. I’d end up projecting onto the ones closest to me. 

It led to continuously feeling alone, isolated, and depressed.

But, interestingly, when I began to fully embrace these parts of me and hold them with unconditional love, they softened. This freed up space to experience more peace and contentment in my life and relationships. 

Meeting our shadow selves is an act of activism. 

Bringing the unconscious aspects of ourselves forward and holding them with curiosity, compassion, and love lessens the projections that continue to oppress and keep our collective in separation. We are a microcosm of the macrocosm. When I feel pain, sadness, or anger with what I see around me I go within and ask: Where does this live within me? 

I began to experience more confidence, peace, and love for not just myself but the world around me. 

I had to learn how to fully embrace the parts of me that judged, blamed, or felt victimized by my circumstances. I had to learn how to take radical personal responsibility and see where my projections were really just a way for me to override meeting myself more deeply.

Curiosity is the key to building intimacy with your shadow

For me the most powerful tool in learning about my shadow self has been curiosity. Staying curious keeps your heart open, and can ease the ego (even if only just slightly). Here are some ways you can invite curiosity as a way to get to know, see, and understand your shadow. 

Where You Can Find Your Shadow Self 

1. Where are you blaming others? The tendency to blame others often resides in the shadow self because it allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our own actions and emotions. By projecting blame onto others, we protect ourselves from confronting uncomfortable truths about our own contributions to a situation.

2. Where are you judging others? Judging others can be a reflection of our own insecurities and unacknowledged shortcomings. The shadow self tends to project these internal struggles onto others, creating a false sense of superiority or control as a defense mechanism against facing our own perceived inadequacies.

3. What flaws do you point out in others? Pointing out flaws in others may be a way for the shadow self to divert attention away from its own perceived weaknesses. By hyper-focusing on the shortcomings of others, we avoid confronting and addressing our own vulnerabilities and areas for personal growth.

4. Where are you playing the victim? Playing the victim can be a manifestation of the shadow self seeking sympathy or external validation. This allows us to avoid taking agency over our lives and making necessary changes. The victim role becomes a shield against facing the discomfort of personal accountability and the empowerment that comes with it.

How to Build Intimacy with Your Shadow Self

1. Self-Reflection: Set aside time to bring curiosity to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Consider situations that trigger strong reactions or emotions within you. Ask yourself why certain aspects of your personality might make you uncomfortable or evoke a strong response. This process of self-awareness will support you in identifying potential elements of your shadow self.

2. Journal: Write about your experiences and any recurring patterns that you notice in your thoughts and behaviors. This will help you uncover patterns and themes of your shadow self. Try to be as honest and open in your writing as possible, allowing your thoughts and feelings to flow without judgment.

3. Embrace & Integrate: Once you've identified aspects of your shadow self, approach them with acceptance and compassion by asking: What does this part of me need, from me? Instead of suppressing or rejecting these aspects, try to integrate them into your conscious awareness. This doesn't mean approving of negative behaviors, but rather acknowledging and understanding the underlying emotions and motivations.

Remember that your shadow self holds wisdom and insights for your personal growth. Embracing these aspects allows you to remember your wholeness and authenticity. 

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. - Carl G. Jung

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by Alisa Stamps, MSS, LCSW

I got into a new hobby during the Covid quarantine. It wasn’t baking. It wasn’t sewing. It was tattooing. I got many, many new tattoos during the most intense months of the pandemic. 

Why a bunch, seemingly all at once? The answer came to me as I was sitting getting my last one a little while ago…

Something to know about tattoos and myself—I have to wait for the idea of what I want to come to me, I can’t really plan for long periods of time and perseverate over it. Which is odd, because in other parts of my life I do just that. I kind of have to wait for the inspiration to hit, so to speak. I may have an idea of the style of tattoo that I want to get, but the actual tattoo image itself needs time to develop. 

Back to my original thought. This thought was helped by something my husband said to me when I told him I was going to get another tattoo and that this time my tattoo artist (Mandy Peeke who is fabulous). I said, “Mandy’s going to draw on me and then we’ll see where that takes us.”

He thought this was the craziest idea he had ever heard. “You’re going to get something permanent on your body and you don’t have any idea of what it’s going to look like?!”

Yeah that’s right. Me, who basically plans everything ahead of time—and has lived most of her life with an avoidantly-structured and rigid relationship with her body—is going to play this one by ear. Crazy indeed! 

That’s when it hit me. Tattoos are probably the one thing more than anything else that connects me to my body. 

It’s hard to avoid being “in” your body when you are sitting on the table for a few hours, hearing the buzzing from the tattoo machine and feeling the pain from the ink going into your skin. There is a connection during that time. 

My husband has never had the challenge of “not being in” his body. He doesn’t understand how it is to spend most of your life trying to make your body “smaller” or even non-existent. He doesn’t understand how the more you “feel” yourself inside of your clothes, the more you want to avoid feeling altogether. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to hate parts of your body, hate them so much that you become disgusted even looking at them.

Tattoos help me to like parts of my body better. 

One of the tattoos I got is part of the Mary Oliver poem “The Journey.” It’s in beautiful old-fashioned cursive, on a weathered scroll. I purposely put this tattoo on my leg—the part of my body that I hate(d) more than any other part. The part that was commented on the most in my narcissistic family system. The part I was once told that if I wanted to I could have it “liposuction and it would be paid for.”

Now, all I see when I look at my leg are those meaningful verses which help me to remember how far I’ve come in my journey. 

I shared my idea for this article with Mandy after she had completed my tattoo. She voiced agreement, and shared some of her own story about the parts of her body that she likes much better now after getting tattoos placed there. She believes tattoos can be “cathartic and really help someone heal their love/hate relationship with their body.” I couldn’t agree more.

*My tattoo artist is Mandy Peeke at Electric Venom Tattoo in New Jersey in case you want to check her out. Awesome with watercolor! Email her at: mandypeeke@gmail.com.

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by Julia Washington

I am a sorry sucker for love in all forms; romcoms, dramatic, dramady, comedy. Give me a good love story and I will forever be a fan. Obviously, love is a topic explored in movies, music, television, and books. But regardless of how much we examine it—and our relationship with love—we seem to be on a permanent quest for more on the subject. 

So as we continue that journey of understanding what love means to us in every form, I offer a few book recommendations to help us along the way. 

All About Love: New Vision by bell hooks

Published in 2000, bell hooks examines romantic love in the modern age, with each chapter focusing on a different aspect of love. While there are moments of dated ideas, the whole of the book holds up very well. It challenges what our collective society thinks about love, how we interpret what we are told about love, and how we can rethink love and grow into a space that brings us to a better understanding of what love means. hooks references the many male researchers and philosophers of love while bringing her perspective of the subject as well. On a personal note, this book took me on a journey as I am getting closer to the ten-year mark of being a singleton. Not only that, as my child ages and grows into adulthood, the love I feel for him is changing too. I’m not suggesting this book “fixed” me. It did, however, answer some questions I didn’t even know I had. 

Harper, 2000 (272 pages)

Every Summer After

Every Summer After is the contemporary love story of my dreams. Written by Carley Fortune,  this story is told through a series of flashbacks starting when Percy is in the 8th grade and then takes us through the next six years. While spending her summers in Barry’s Bay Percy develops a deep friendship with the neighbor kids, Sam and Charlie. What I love about this book is that it explores how complicated young love can be when the world you experience it in, exists in a vacuum. It balances youthful innocence and broken hearts. Every Summer After feels like a Taylor Swift song in the best way. You know the way Swift captures the whimsy and nostalgia of love's past? Fortune has that same skill. It’s beautiful and sometimes cozy. Even if you never experienced young love, Persephone and Sam capture you in a way that feels familiar and warm. 

Penguin Publishing Group, 2022 (320 pages)

Heartstopper Series

Krikus calls Hearstopper: Volume One, “An adorable diary of love’s gut punches.” I give that review a hard agree. Hearstopper is a graphic novel series written by Alice Oseman. It follows Charlie and Nick as they navigate friendship and blossoming love. The series, five in all so far, also navigates mental health, coming out, and self-identity all while being wildly and enamored by someone. It’s a beautiful navigation of love in that these two characters have very different life experiences. Charlie’s family, traditional—in the sense that there is mom, dad, and several siblings—is supportive of him to an extent. We see that his parents love him, but have reservations when it comes to him dating. They are protective of their son and sometimes that translates in a way that feels frustrating for Charlie. Nick’s family consists of his mother and brother. Nick’s mother loves her sons very much and she has built a relationship with them that makes space for Nick to feel comfortable going to her for guidance when he’s worried about Charlie. Heartstopper not only gives us a beautiful story about first love, but also how complicated relationships can be. Though this is a graphic novel series, I dare you not to read them and fall in love with the story. Netflix adapted this series in 2022 and because of Alice Oseman, the screen adaptation captures the essence of the graphic novels.

Hachette Childrens Group, 2019, (1578 pages, 5 Vol Series) Originally self-published in 2016.

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by Jennifer Cooper

Artist Kate Ellen has seen jewelry used to “help the immaterial changes that happen within our souls become material, tangible, relatable, shareable.” How’s that for something pretty? 

I love jewelry. It’s one of the few things I wear every day. A pair of earrings, a bracelet, or a necklace if it feels right. There’s just something special about adorning ourselves. Humans have done it since the beginning of time. But it’s not just any sparkly thing that resonates with me. It’s something deeper. 

“Jewelry that has heart and soul is best as a creative process and not just about acquiring more pretty things,” Kate says, “as beautiful and valuable as they may be.” This lands with me. The creative process I feel are the stories each piece represents. 

All of my jewelry has deep meaning for me. Nearly all was made by independent women artists in small batches. And I remember the exact moment I received each and every piece, who gave it to me, and how I was feeling. 

It’s become a ritual of remembering each time I wear one; a moment I celebrate with intention.  

I am not alone in this practice. Kate says the magic of jewelry is in “setting a clear intention about what it means to you, and then going slow enough to feel how this intention is reflected back to you through the object.”

I recently spoke with Kate of Crown Nine about her approach to infusing ritual into special pieces, including one for something many have experienced—reproductive loss. 

How did you get into goldsmithing? 

I took a metalsmithing class on a whim in my mid-20s, a sort of grasping at straws attempt to de-stress while working as a teacher. The bulk of my goldsmithing training has been done on the job, by accepting work that was just a little outside my ability and learning how to do it as I went with mentors, other metalsmiths, and a few gem setters who really knew their stuff and helped me improve. 

When I started, I had zero ambition to make fine jewelry or wedding jewelry - that was something born out of my clients asking me to do it. And little by little that has become the thing I am known for. 

Is it something you knew you always wanted to do? 

No. I struggled a lot with school as a young person, and I was most at home in my art classes but didn't feel particularly talented at anything. I loved the weirdos and the vibe of art class but never found a medium that called to me or came naturally. I also had some very limiting beliefs about art as a young person because I felt it was for the self-indulgent and self-centered and ultimately not a real thing you could base your life on—unless you were a naturally gifted genius. 

I was also one of those young women who felt terribly guilty about the state of the world and felt the only thing worthwhile I could do was try to fix it, clean it up, make it better and do my part. So I was attracted to the helping professions. I have a degree in public health and human services and did case management, teaching, and working in nonprofits. 

I learned a lot about myself and the world while on that path and had some incredible experiences. My favorite was teaching comprehensive sex education to at-risk teenagers, I was the lady that would show up with a box of dicks to do condom demonstrations with high school-kids! But in my late 20s, I started pushing back on this concept of my worth being so tied to my ability to fix things or be a part of the solution to repairing a broken world, partly as I unpacked my own family dynamics from childhood. 

I began contemplating how many of the choices I had made were really for me, or were made to upholding an image of what I thought others wanted from me. When I found metalsmithing, I was at a bit of a low point in my life and so I kind of stopped caring as much about what others thought of me. And the very cool thing is that all those interests and skills I had in my professional life as a teacher and working in social services have totally bled over into my artistic life, acting as guideposts for my values and intentions. 

You do something that I haven’t seen done—at least not the way you’re doing it—and that’s really infusing the element of ritual into jewelry. Can you tell us why you approach jewelry in this way, as something beyond just visual beauty? For instance, I think Tiffany’s stuff looks nice, but it’s pretty cold, you know? 

For weddings and engagements, we all know jewelry to be a profound and powerful tool for storytelling and symbolism. What I have recognized in my work with clients over the years is that this potency is there for any of our life milestones that are likewise a huge threshold to traverse, to mark a moment of inner transformation and change. Jewelry can serve as a witness and reminder to how we have changed and become a different person. 

Just like how it can mark, "Now I am a married person," it can likewise help us with other huge identity shifts like, "Now I am a person without a living parent," or "Now I am a mother," or "Now I am a person who loves and honors herself," or "Now I am cancer free," or "Now I am committed to my own creativity."

Jewelry is so impactful as an artform because it's so intimate, worn and warmed up on the body and it becomes a part of our daily rituals of care and self-expression. We can elevate the meaning of a piece by creating small but significant rituals or ceremonies for our initiation into wearing it, just like a ring exchange at a wedding. As a culture we still practice this tradition at weddings because it works! I want to teach people how to do it for other moments in their lives. 

You’ve become a fierce advocate for expanding people’s knowledge about reproductive health issues and all that includes, from puberty to menopause. I imagine, at first glance, it might seem like these two things don’t go together (jewelry and health) but you make it work in a powerful way. I’m thinking about your locket project that honors people "who have walked the path of pregnancy and child loss in all its forms.” I have to say, it is so beautiful. The way it opens up to reveal something we so often keep hidden. Can you tell me more about it? 

I started the Locket Project for myself, I basically made a piece of jewelry just for myself to acknowledge that yes, I indeed did have a miscarriage and yes it did impact me. 

It was early and between my two daughters and somehow I felt like it wasn't significant enough of a loss to grieve, pause, or ask for help or support. It wasn't until after my second was earthside that I finally let out a breath. 

I hadn't realized how hypervigilant I had been, and how that impacted my pregnancy and mental health while carrying her. So I made this little locket to honor that part of myself and my experience, and remarkably the necklace began making it easier for me to talk about it. And when I talked about it, it became clear how universal the experience is and how I was not alone. No two experiences are identical, we each have our own experience with reproductive loss. 

Believe me, it is woven into every woman's life in one way or another. So I thought to offer this to other women, but I didn't just want to make some trinkety thing that people would buy because it was marketed as a token for a loss. I wanted to share with people how jewelry is a powerful tool for healing if you know how to wield it. 

I included a ritual kit, journaling prompts, and a ceremony/ritual for folks to use to initiate themselves into wearing it. This year I'll be re-releasing it with some tweaks and additions, namely some group calls, video modules, and 1:1 ceremony coaching calls with me to help people in their healing journey, in whatever way or form including choosing to terminate.

It may seem like a weird combo—women's reproductive health and jewelry—but to me it makes total sense, I've always been passionate about women's bodies in this way.  

What’s been one of your favorite client experiences so far? I imagine you have a ton of beautiful stories. 

Oh god, there are so many and the very best of them are deeply private, but I will say that as an artist and guide, the best is when people show up fully as themselves and just let themselves feel everything. 

I have helped people transform jewelry that survived the holocaust, plane crashes, and failed marriages. I have helped people create jewelry that was about pleasing and expressing who they really are, not what someone else wanted them to be, ending a long era of people pleasing and shedding patriarchal expectations. 

I can't explain how deep the honor is, and how I feel a purpose in my skill to help people make the immaterial real and beautiful—to let go of someone, to hold on to someone, to remember the dead and the dying, to be liberated, to love oneself, to become a mother, to forgive, to move on. 

To me it's rewarding when the process is intimate and folks really let me in on what kind of magic they want in their life. 

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by Keri Emme

There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it: as women, we’re conditioned to hate our bodies. 

Even if you grew up in the most loving, body-positive home, the moment you saw a movie, watched network TV, or looked at a magazine cover in the checkout line, you started absorbing the idea that your body is wrong. (And let’s be honest, chances are that, like most of us, you didn’t grow up in a body-positive home)

When we’re young, it’s easy to absorb this messaging. As kids we’re still learning how the world works and we’re soaking up information to figure out how best to navigate our life. 

From day one, our lifelong mission is clear: We are to spend our time here on earth desperately searching for a way to correct our body.

Eventually there comes a time when we start to let go of some of the toxic messaging we’ve absorbed. As part of the unlearning process we start searching for movements that will support us as we let go of the beliefs that have been holding us back. Beliefs like: 

• The worst thing you can be is fat

• Your cravings are wrong

• You have to look perfect to have your picture taken

• A workout must be painful to be beneficial

As we start to realize how damaging these pervasive beliefs can be, it seems natural that we fall into the open and compassionate arms of Body Positivity. 

The basic tenant of Body Positivity is that all bodies are beautiful. How you are built is beautiful. And that feels really good to hear when we’ve spent our lives being told the opposite.

 But over time we start to question this movement. Thoughts start to creep in:

“I know I’m supposed to love my body, but I just really hate my flabby arms.”

“How am I supposed to love something I’ve hated for years?” 

“Does loving my body shape mean I can’t want to change it?”

“Does wanting to change my body mean I don’t love it?” 

We start to wonder if Body Positivity is right for us, and along comes rational, tempered Body Neutrality. Like your best friend’s aloof older brother, Body Neutrality can’t be bothered by all those feelings.

Body Neutrality’s approach tells us that your body simply is. You don’t have to love it, and you don’t have to hate it. It’s a meat-suit that lets you experience life and there is no reason to assign “good” or “bad” feelings to the way it looks. It exists and that’s all that matters. 

On the outside this can also feel really empowering. Let’s redirect all this mental energy we expend over how our body looks and just do what we want, regardless of our size and shape. Sign me up! Body Neutrality for the win!

Until you realize this mentality is asking you to deny and suppress very real emotions.

(You let me know when you figure out how to stop having emotions... Except please don’t. I like having emotions.)

So here we are, decades into life, swirling around in a cauldron of Love your body! Change your body! Ignore your body! [insert Charlie Brown screaming]

Now that I’ve sufficiently broken your will to live, I have hopeful news! There is a mentality I’ve found that takes the best bits of both of these movements so you can make them work for you. It’s called Body Empowerment. 

You see, Body Positivity and Body Neutrality are small pieces of a larger puzzle; Body Empowerment does a better job at telling the whole story.

Like Body Neutrality, Body Empowerment encourages us to do what we want regardless of how we currently feel about our body, negative, neutral, or positive.

We create a relationship with our body that allows us to pursue the things we want to do, but unlike Body Neutrality, we don’t deny that we may feel a certain way about our bodies while we are out there living life.

Body Empowerment allows us to see the value in our existence, acknowledging that even when insecurities arise, we can take the time to recognize our insecurities and move forward compassionately, rather than pretending we don’t have insecurities. 

But the most lovely part about allowing ourselves to feel how we feel is that we get to celebrate our bodies for all the amazing things they do! (Hello, Body Positivity!) 

As we move through life doing the things we love, we can tap into gratitude for all the parts of our body that help us do what we do. We will never experience the world outside our bodies. Our bodies are what allow us to move through life, to perceive, to sense, to feel, to do, and to be. There is so much magic in celebrating them.

So how do we achieve Body Empowerment? I’m so glad you asked. 

Step One

The first step is tapping into Body Positivity. Grab a sheet of paper, open your notes app, do, crack open that journal. What do you love about yourself? Make a list. Try to name at least 25 things (but don’t stop there if you have more!). Start celebrating those things. Decorate them. Show them off. Get in the habit of thanking your body parts throughout the day. 

After decades of self-hate messaging, this practice will help you start to heal your relationship with your body. Over time you’ll start to view your body through a lens of celebration.

But what about those parts that we just can’t be grateful for? The things that we have spent years trying to change, and seem too far gone to ever truly love?

Step Two

Step two is where Body Neutrality comes in to pick up the slack. Practice shifting your focus away from your body and toward the amazing things you want to do in life. Ask yourself the tough questions, like if I weren’t spending my energy on trying to change my body, where else could I put that energy? Meditate, journal, write it all out and light it on fire. 

This practice helps you realize the futility of obsessing over our body shape and size. There are so many other things out there to explore, why not focus on those things instead?

Naturally there are going to be parts of our body that we love, because our bodies allow us to feel joy. In those times, lean into Body Positivity. Thank your body. Love on it. The more we practice Body Positivity, the easier it is to tap into it in the future.

For those heavier times when it seems impossible to love a part of your body, acknowledge your feelings. Take the time to witness your insecurities, listen to their message, and have compassion for yourself. You’ve spent years being told that your body needs to be fixed. These insecurities won’t disappear immediately. In fact, they may not ever fully go away. That’s when you can listen to the wisdom of Body Neutrality: How you are built is not wrong. How you are built simply is how you are built.

Body Positivity and Body Neutrality are the vehicles that can take you out of self-hatred and toward Body Empowerment. Choose the one that feels right for you in the moment and don’t be afraid to switch back and forth as needed.  Over time and with enough practice you’ll see them start to blend together seamlessly, and that, my loves, is Body Empowerment.

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