Cover image Annie Spratt for Unsplash

Welcome to the November/December 2023 Issue of Jennifer Magazine.

This edition is optimized for mobile. That’s right, you asked, we delivered. However, you can also read it on your desktop or ipad too. We love options.

Here’s how it works:

You can read this issue in one of two ways - hit the next arrow at the bottom right of each article to take you through each page, just like how you’d flip through a traditional magazine OR hit the Table of Contents button and choose what you’d like to read next.

Enjoy!

NEXT: About Us >

Welcome to Jennifer Magazine. We are an online women’s magazine that shares culture, style, wellness, and relationships from a midlife-ish* perspective.

We believe:

• Style is for every body

• Beauty is pro-aging

• Culture is evolving and we’re here to evolve with it

• Wellness goes beyond essential oils, crystals, organic produce, high-end yoga clothes, or juice cleanses—it’s deeper

• And the relationships to invest in are transformational, including the relationship we have with ourselves.

Oh and about the name…

Jennifer was a name given to girls born in the 70s and 80s that was so popular it defined a generation. Everyone knows or is a Jennifer—we’re your sister, your best friend, that girl you knew, and that woman you love.

Like what we’re doing? Let’s connect!

For advertising & event sponsorship inquiries: advertising@jennifermag.com
For editorial inquiries: editorial@jennifermag.com

*Midlife seems to be a moving target these days—is it 35? 45? 55? We’re here for all of them. We’re not ashamed to be in our peri-menopausal & menopausal years. We’re also the big sister to those just coming into them.

NEXT: Letter from the Editor >

photo by Danny Giebe for Unsplash

About five years ago, my partner of 31 years and I started a nightly routine. It’s super simple but we both agree it’s led to a level of intimacy that surprised us, even after decades together. It’s a nightly walk. 

That’s it. A stroll in the dark. I told you it was super simple. 

We talk about our work, creative projects, relationships, what’s bugging us, aha’s, and what we should watch on tv (sorry—streamers—I’m still having a hard time saying that) after our walk. The last one takes up a good bit of time. Thank goodness for Julia Washington’s movie recommendations (Fall Comfort Movies We Love). 

There’s something about the darkness that gives us an appreciation for our day. Things we’ve been carrying around—sometimes for years—surface at night, giving us a new perspective on them and, oftentimes, helping us let them go. Past challenges, hurts, confusion all look different in the moonlight. They seem softer.  

This issue is dedicated to celebrating what this season’s longer nights bring us and what they help us release. In Welcome to the Hygge Life, psychotherapist Alisa Stamps shares how we can use darkness as a tool for renewal. And in Sitting with our Shadows: A Journey Back Home to Yourself, codependency coach Alyssa Zander shares how understanding and embracing the darker aspects of herself allowed her to see and meet others on a deeper, more meaningful level.

There’s something else the dark allows us to see more clearly: the light. That’s why I love our feature on Julie Hartigan in this issue. We talk about the backlash women can face when they move through life’s challenges in ways that allows them to embrace their own light—something Julie knows well. 

That light is important. Because while this season reminds us of the power of the dark, it also teaches us we cannot sit in it forever. We need the light to find each other.  

That idea came up in our exclusive event for our JenX members this month, Refuel Your Glow. We talked about the difference between joy, desire, and intention (inspired by Holly Holt’s piece last month, Say An Intention), and felt the weight and spaciousness of each. After the event a member wrote to me to share how good they felt. “I think I don’t realize how helpful groups like this can be.” 

Gathering in the dark, honoring the light, connecting to the depth within ourselves and each other, that’s the beauty of this season. 

So in that spirit, I’m wishing you a beautiful season of dark and light; of self-discovery, warm connections, and the joy of nightly walks. 

xo,
Jen

ps. New to Jennifer and wonder what JenX is? It’s our magazine’s membership (and a cheeky play on words). Members receive invites to monthly live events, exclusive content, and other special perks like discounts on brands we love like Nau. Visit our site jennifermag.com or click here to join us.

NEXT: Welcome to the Hygge Life >

by Alisa Stamps, MSS, LCSW
photo by Joanna Kosinska for unsplash

The practice of finding simplicity in the early dark

It’s a hygge sort-of day here in the chilly Northeast. Don’t know what hygge is or means? That’s okay, we’ll get to the definition and origin in a moment.

But back to the weather. It’s cold, windy, and gray. That’s usual for us in the Northeast as we head from the glorious spectrum of autumn colors, through the twinkling lights of the holiday season, into the New Year ahead.

The New Year. The holidays. What happens for you when thinking about the marathon that is Thanksgiving through January 1st all blurred into one? Do you get excited? Do you feel exceptionally stressed? Do the holidays bring up family strain or feelings of excess? Do you wish it would all be over quickly, and then feel badly about not having been present in the moment?

As a psychotherapist, I firmly believe that January through April are the hardest months for people. Barren trees, relentless overcast skies, and early dark, endless nights can make the fog of depression seem even thicker. But the holidays have their difficulties too. Add to that recovering from a pandemic, wars, politics, and current events in general, all while we watch the world and long for easier, earlier times.

Enter hygge (pronounced “hoo-gah”), a word that originates from Norway and means “well-being”. According to, The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living, hygge has been called everything from, “the art of creating intimacy, the coziness of the soul, taking pleasure from the presence of soothing things, and cocoa by the candlelight.”

“Hygge is about an atmosphere and an experience, rather than about things. It is about being with the people we love. A feeling of home. A feeling that we are safe, that we are shielded from the world and allow ourselves to let our guard down. You may be having an endless conversation about the small or big things in life—or just be comfortable in each other’s silent company—or simply just be by yourself enjoying a cup of tea.” (Pg. vi)

The Danish are definitely onto something. Denmark is consistently ranked as one of the happiest places in the world to live, despite their weather often being rainy, cold and gray. Instead of seeing the season as dreary, they have embraced the art of coziness and internalized the idea that even in the darkest of times, there can be light and love.

The word “simplicity” comes to mind as

I think about the polarity between darkness and light. What does this mean, to simplify? Will simplicity offer us more balance, more contentment? The obvious answer is yes, but how do we do this? Perhaps the five dimensions of hygge can help…

5 Dimensions of Hygge

Taste

Look to food and drinks that are familiar, sweet, and comforting. Try adding honey to your tea or icing to your cake.

Sound

Remove distracting sounds so you can hear things like the crackling of burning wood or the clicking of someone’s knitting needles. Let your hygge playlist feature the sounds of a warm, safe environment.

Smell

Enjoy smells that remind you of being cared for, evoke a feeling of safety, and take you back to a less-complicated time. Try cooking something your grandmother made, or buy flowers that remind you of a childhood garden.

Feel

Take the opportunity to touch anything old or hand-crafted that you can run your fingers across Hold a warm, ceramic mug or a rustic, imperfect surface).

Sight

Watch slow movements in a dim light. Watch snowflakes fall or enjoy the flickering flames of an open fire.

Hygge is about grounding in the present. It’s about settling into the Here and Now and using it like a blanket or a pair of woolen socks. For instance, you can light candles or the tree, rather than put on overhead lights; turn off all the background noise and enjoy the silence. Maybe you want to grab a book rather than reach for the screens. Or try creating experiences instead of accumulating more things.

Hygge is about embracing the simple idea that all that matters is what is in this moment. It’s about using the darkness while the earth sleeps so you can rest and be renewed. It makes it easier to awaken again once spring rolls around. In this complicated, complex world—especially during the holidays—perhaps a little hygge could go a long way.

This post contains an affiliate link. This won’t cost you anything but it helps us offset the cost of writing and production so we can deliver the best content possible. Thank you for your support!

NEXT: The Must Have Gift of the Season >

by Tami Hackbarth
photo by Kevin Andre for Unsplash

Whenever I ask women what they want most the answer boils down to this: they want uninterrupted time to pursue their dreams, hobbies and talents. That and someone else to take over some of the domestic chores so no one would ever ask them what’s for dinner or where the damn soccer shin guards are hiding.

It is possible to have this kind of time to yourself, but it won’t happen by accident. This kind of time devoted to oneself requires clear communication, letting go of perfectionism, releasing the guilt and shame of wanting more, advocacy and boundaries.

What would you do with two to five hours a week of uninterrupted time for yourself?

The caveat is you can’t use this time to do stuff for your family, your partnership or your job. Pursuing a passion project/side hustle or hobby? That’s a big yes. Taking a shower, going to Target alone or catching up on The Housewives? Nope. Getting caught up on paperwork or housework? Absolutely not.

How do we get this mythical more time for ourselves?

Step one: Claim it

Sound familiar? If you feel like you are trying to earn straight As in selflessness every holiday season, you are in good company. As women, we are taught to sacrifice our own needs at the altar of service. As Americans, we are taught to “stay busy” at all costs.

However, if you stop and listen, the natural world is telling us another story. The days leading up to Winter Solstice invite us to go internal, to reflect. The quiet darkness lays itself down over our world, a shawl that can feel alternately comforting and nerve-wracking. “Not enough hours in the day. Too much night!,” we bawl. We are afraid of the dark. And the darkness outside welcomes us to look at those dark places on the inside, and who wants to do that? Not me, not us.

Step two: Define your interests

Being confined in those all consuming roles makes our brains forget who we once were or wanted to be. We need to head into the dusty archives of our lives outside those roles and reclaim what makes us interesting and inspiring to ourselves.

Still not sure what you’d do with all that time to yourself? Ask yourself these questions:

What goals, hobbies, talents and passions have you put aside since becoming a parent, partner and/or professional?

Do you want to learn to play golf or make sushi?

Have you wanted to visit libraries in other cities or write a cozy mystery?

Do you want to dust off your cello and play with a quartet during happy hour at that swanky bar downtown?

Do you want to learn how to juggle or swing on a traipse?

Do you want to write postcards to voters or textbank for your favorite candidate for public office or raise money for a cause close to your heart?

What makes you light up and get excited about life? What makes you fun to sit next to at a dinner party? What do you see other people doing that you wish you could do too?

Step three: Schedule it

Put it on the calendar. This is non negotiable time just for you. If you have a partner, ask them to also choose a weekly time slot for themselves. When everyone gets the gift of time for themselves everyone wins.

Step four: Share it

Most of us need accountability or people depending on us in order to show up. Join a class or a team that can’t function without you. Make a date with people outside your home to go someplace outside your home each week.

Sign up for that dance class. Commit to a writers workshop that meets weekly. Meet a friend at a park to write postcards to voters and enjoy nature.

Step five: Protect it

Expect guilt to seep in. Don’t let that stop you. We all deserve to be more than parents, partners and professionals. Make a non negotiable pact with a friend or partner that you will keep at it. Even if it is inconvenient for them. You being the most interesting version of yourself matters.

NEXT: Beauty - For When a Kiss Is On Your List >

Let’s be real: Not all instagram recommendations are the same. So call us suspicious, but before we give a product our seal of approval, we have to test it out—even if it comes from a board certified dermatologist as beloved as Dr. Shereene Idriss. 

After multiple seasons of testing, we can confidently say the Pillowtalk Derm founder was right, of course. A touch of Weleda’s Skin Food on our lips is, by far, the most moisturizing product we’ve ever tried. In fact, we’ve ditched all our other lip balm products. Our lips have never been so luscious.

NEXT: The Power of Gua Sha>

by Holly Holt
photo by Aaron Burden for Unsplash

Let’s be real, the holidays are not always happy and bright for everyone. We live human lives. Things like memories, shame, and expectations can make this time of year unbearable for many.

So, we put up lights. We have parties. We wrap presents in gaudy, glittery wrapping paper that only exists in Christmas Tree Land and Las Vegas. And some of us go on a guilt binge realizing that all year we neglected to volunteer at the soup kitchen or give a blanket to a homeless person or support a family in need. We try to do all our “do-gooding” during the already too-busy month of December.

Honestly, I used to be the biggest Scrooge on the block because the holidays felt heavy. I felt the (self-imposed) weight of having to do it all.

Things Like:

• Buy presents for the whole extended family (even when my tiny family was struggling financially)

• Have the perfectly decorated house

• Do all the “traditional” things like cook a big meal of food I don’t even like that much (even though I wanted to make my own traditions)

• Volunteer at the soup kitchen even though they probably don’t need extra hands in December

• Not look at my own feelings of overwhelm, guilt, and resentment

Sound familiar? If you feel like you are trying to earn straight As in selflessness every holiday season, you are in good company. As women, we are taught to sacrifice our own needs at the altar of service. As Americans, we are taught to “stay busy” at all costs.

However, if you stop and listen, the natural world is telling us another story. The days leading up to Winter Solstice invite us to go internal, to reflect. The quiet darkness lays itself down over our world, a shawl that can feel alternately comforting and nerve-wracking. “Not enough hours in the day. Too much night!,” we bawl. We are afraid of the dark. And the darkness outside welcomes us to look at those dark places on the inside, and who wants to do that? Not me, not us.

Not until it all becomes too much and we collapse from exhaustion and grief. For me, it started to change over 25 years ago when my mother’s best friend–an artist, a true creative spirit who lived life on her terms, my non-biological aunt–died. Her example was a spark, although I didn’t have the courage to change until years later.

Over time, I started giving myself permission to do life in a new way, particularly when it came to the holidays. It took a few years to get into this new rhythm. But now, instead of racing around trying to please everyone at the expense of my own sanity and health, I give myself the gift of one whole day in November or December to rest, to reflect, to write.

Slowing down when the world is asking you to speed up is an act of resistance and reclamation. I’ve noticed that when I give myself time to actually be quiet during this quiet season, I am able to exist more fully in the light of the celebrations. When I take time to reflect on my year and how I want my life to feel, I am able to truly give the best part of myself to those I love.

The truth is, I can be a bundle of nerves when I don’t listen to what nature is trying to tell me. And right now nature is saying:

Be. Quiet.

So before you over-schedule your holidays, imagine.

What if…

What if you just stopped? What if you walked the dog or read a book? What if you took the time to reflect on your year and wrote out how you want next year to feel? What if you lied down on the floor and cried for your imperfect self, for those you have lost, for those who are in pain?

What if you let yourself be?

NEXT: Gift Guide for a Season of Style

In addition to claiming that time we mentioned a few swipes back, we’ve put cozy, sensuous gifts at the top of our list. It took us some time to feel comfortable in our own skin. That’s why now, we’re all about loving it.

Santal 33 Body Oil

We love to glisten. Plus, the scent is a beautiful blend of masculine and feminine making it perfect for whatever energy we choose to bring to the day.

Lula Mena Woven Blanket

Woven in El Salvador by artisans who are keeping the weaving tradition of their community alive, this blanket transforms a cold evening into a luxurious one.

Soko Code Link Bracelet

One thing about this bracelet is that it makes a statement. And when we enter a room wearing it, we’re making one too.

A Cut Above Old Fashioned Cocktail Kit

While our skin—and our sleep—hate the effects of alcohol, we still want a warm cocktail to sip while watching the snow fall. Thanks to this kit, we sacrifice nothing.

Negative Underwear Supreme Jogger Pant

It’s the drape and swoosh for us. These joggers are soft. How soft? One reviewer said, “These pants feel like walking in clouds.”

NEXT: Julie, Take Me Away >

Interview by Jennifer Cooper
photos by Eva Perocsenyi

Chef Julie Hartigan looks for dreamy places to visit—think Tuscany, Sicily, the Loire Valley France, Ecuador, and the Galapagos Islands—and then she goes there. The destinations she chooses have a robust mix of historic city and authentic countryside, food culture, and communities that value the arts. Oh, and “pampering,” Julie adds. Pampering is definitely part of her itinerary.

She says incredible trips shouldn’t be reserved for honeymoons, travel shows, and instagram influencers.

Recently divorced? That deserves a trip. Kid just graduated? Celebrate with your own European tour. Hit a personal milestone? Book that flight. Because, as Julie reminds me, “Your best years aren’t behind you, my friend. Your best years are now!”

Any reason is a good reason to travel, especially if it includes meeting other positive, like-minded women along the way. That’s why the chef created her own travel company for other women who want to find authentic connection with others while experiencing the best the world has to offer.

I recently spoke with Julie about her approach to travel, food, and why this is the right time to go out into the world. Plus, I ask her how to deal with the surprisingly strong reaction women can receive when they choose to live life on their own terms.

Tell me about these trips-of-a-lifetime you’re leading—although I hope all these people get more than one of these trips in a lifetime. What’s your approach? I imagine, given your background in food, there’s a lot of eating. By the way, can you tell I’m hungry already?

Laughing! As a chef, my tours do have a food and wine undercurrent—think a mix of street food plus Michelin-starred dining. But it's more than just eating.

A big focus of all my trips is women supporting women so my itineraries feature visits with women artisans, supporting women-led businesses, tours and tastings with women winemakers and women chefs, and having local women-guides tell us about the towns we visit from their perspective.

Their stories are inspiring. There’s a pioneering winemaker who quit law to run her family estate, a young artist who formed a shoppable arts collective, an expat artist who leads art classes and serves prosecco while her pet bunny hops around her studio, and a local guide who knows all the best spots in her medieval Tuscan hilltown. I love that she shares what it's like to raise a family, live, and work in a 1500s town that’s so tiny and charming we can't even get our heads around it.

And because a big part of traveling should be about self-care, I throw in posh experiences and lots of pampering. There are 4-star hotels, visits to spas, massages, local shopping, sunsets, picnics, time to relax.

I want the entire experience to be stress free, relaxing, and fun because, damn, women do an awful lot of work in the world and deserve to be taken care of!

What’s the response been like?

The response has been fantastic both from the women who are excited to have this kind of "uniquely for them" travel experience, as well as from the incredible women we get to visit with in our destinations who are so excited to host us.

The trips give solo women travelers a safe, supportive community to meet like-minded women to travel with. We do a series of group calls ahead of the trip to get to know each other, so by the time the tour starts we all feel like friends.

I've had lots of married women join me too. Maybe they don't love traveling with their husband or they’ve spent so many years married that they're really craving more of a "girls trip."

I get a surprising number of mother-daughter duos joining my tours too, which is so sweet to see. I love traveling with my college-aged daughters and hope it's a tradition we can keep.

What do you think women get out of traveling together on a trip like these?

Oh gosh, so much more than a typical trip! They get an inspiring, authentic, non-touristy experience seeing the world through a local woman's eyes; much needed self-care and pampering; and some seriously fun laughter and girlfriends' time.

There's such an incredible camaraderie that's created when women get to cut loose and have fun together—from taking over a shop trying on clothes together, laughing our asses off wearing little blue hairnets as we learn to make fresh cheese, oohing and ahhing at the beauty of the world together, confiding in new friends about things we may be struggling with at home.

My trips create a really positive, supportive, loving vibe. That's always been important to me as a woman in the world, as a mom, as a friend, as an entrepreneur, as a coach. So I make sure to infuse my trips with that. A woman who recently traveled with me said "Julie, this was such a gift to me. It's the first time I can ever remember feeling beautiful for an entire week straight.”

That’s beautiful. Okay, I’m going to wade into some deeper waters here. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience, but when someone is out there living their joy (especially if you’re a woman), it can cause others to lash out. It’s so upsetting to me because I suspect it’s why many out there are timid about taking that trip, or that leap of faith themselves. Have you ever experienced backlash for your choices to live life on your terms? And if so, any advice for how to handle it?

I've always marched to my own beat, going to engineering school when "women didn't do that" and then later ditching a lucrative tech consulting career to go to culinary school which was a long-held dream of mine. I had SO many people tell me I was crazy or in the case of former co-workers, ghost me because I wasn't living up to their expectations of me.

As my food career grew and became successful, working with major nationwide outlets like Real Simple, Food Network, Bed Bath Beyond, doing regular TV segments, running my own video production agency, many former friends in the tech world refused to take my new career seriously. They’d belittle the things I was doing. Maybe it’s because they thought “work couldn't be fun" or the only way to do things was to have a traditional corporate career where you worked for "the man" until you retired.

In my 40's when I ended my marriage I went through something similar. People would say things like, "What if you wind up alone?” or "It's awful you'll only see your daughters part-time.”

It used to enrage me to be honest, but I had a massive mindset shift when I realized they were just projecting their fears or sadness or angst or jealousy onto me. Judgemental and mean people are generally the most unhappy ones.

But once I realized that, it was a lot easier to shift to feeling pity for the person, letting anger go, and even making the hard decision to let the person go.

You only get one lifetime and we can all agree the decades fly by. I've made it a policy to focus on positive, supportive friends who don't shit talk or judge other women. Many of them are fellow entrepreneurs who also march to their own beat and take creative risks. You get to choose what type of people to surround yourself with and spend time with. It might be one of the most important decisions in our lives really! Quality over quantity always.

And finally, I know you’re looking to help shatter some of those outdated cliches about “older women.” What’s the cliche you hate the most?

Oh wow, there are so many! Let’s start

with that we're not fun and sexy anymore. We're reduced to a sweaty menopause caricature of ourselves. Screw that! I'm going to be eeking all the fun and adventure I can out of my life, for as long as I physically can. Sometimes I joke that I'm "living for my deathbed" but not in a morbid way! What I mean by that is, I want to be looking back and laughing and smiling at all the amazing things I got to do and that I spent my time living true to myself.

NEXT: Journal Like a Rebel >

by Keri Emme
photo by Bradyn Shock on Unsplash

I am an absolute nerd when it comes to marking the passage of time. Whether it’s a new month, new season, or a new year (I see you 2024!), I get high on taking time to acknowledge transitions.

During these transitions I like to reflect on what has passed, and give focus to what I hope to create moving forward. As 2023 winds down and we start to welcome in 2024, I find myself reaching for an old, familiar habit:

Journaling! Have you heard of it?!

If you said yes, then you are in 100% of the population. It’s impossible to scroll through social media and not see at least 1 journal prompt being offered up by a coach, therapist, or influencer. Even though journaling is now in the mainstream, I still meet loads of people who claim to hate journaling, or who desperately want to journal but just can’t figure out how to make the habit stick. If either of those apply to you, don’t worry! I’m here to help.

As someone who has been journaling for almost 30 years, here are the top tips I’ve found to help you get started and make the most of your journaling practice.

Don’t Be a Writer

Stay with me here; you don’t have to write to journal. The act of writing can be very therapeutic but the real magic isn’t in moving your fingers. The magic of journaling happens when you take time to tend to your thoughts.

One of the reasons journaling is so effective is because it helps move your thoughts from inside your brain onto the paper, so you can literally see them in front of you and start to process them. But you can get that same effect from talking out loud. Instead of seeing your thoughts, you can hear them.

If there is a topic you want some clarity on but you hate sitting still to write, start talking. After a few minutes, you’ll have refined your initial thoughts and you’ll be surprised at what you were able to uncover. The great thing about this is you can multitask! You can journal while you put away laundry, drive to work, go on a walk, etc.

You don’t have to write to journal.

Be Inconsistent

This is not a suggestion. Inconsistency is crucial. Forcing yourself to do something when you don’t want to is a surefire way to guarantee that you’ll dread doing it in the future. We live in a culture that expects perfection and I have seen too many articles out there offering tips on how to make journaling a daily practice. I promise you, no one journals every day.

Having a rigid daily routine can actually harm your mental wellness. When you inevitably have a hard or extra busy day, you also send yourself on a guilt trip because now you’ve ruined your journaling streak.

It’s time for a hard truth: When you set a goal to do something every day, you will fail.

So how do you combat the perfectionist within that keeps telling you that journaling daily is the only way to properly journal? Ditch the idea of a streak and look at each day as its own entity. Some days you simply won’t have time to journal. Other days you’ll forget because there are higher priority tasks on your mind. On those days, instead of trying to squeeze in journaling between meetings, give yourself permission to skip journaling completely. Remind yourself that you can always journal tomorrow.

When you let go of the all or nothing mentality, you’re letting go of the idea that you “suck at journaling.” You don’t suck at journaling, you just didn’t get to it today. But you can make time for it tomorrow. The all or nothing mentality discourages you from trying. Allowing yourself to skip days as needed provides the grace for you to keep trying over and over again.

Be Boring

“I don’t know what to write about.”

This is probably the number one hang up I hear from people who want to start journaling. There is an annoying myth that journaling “correctly” means you need to be working toward some therapeutic breakthrough. Or that journaling is only valuable when you are actively uncovering layers of trauma and digging deep into your inner child wounds to figure out why you behave the way you do.

These myths are bullshit.

Some days I will write a short paragraph pretty much about nothing before running out of steam and putting away my journal. Other days I’ll start writing about how I like juice and suddenly I am four pages into a rant about how I don’t have the time to devote to my hobbies because capitalism is slowly killing us all.

Your brain will take you where you need to go. Sometimes it’s nowhere interesting. Not every journaling session has to have a deeper purpose. Make your peace with that. If nothing of interest comes up for you while you journal, it doesn’t mean you journaled wrong, it just means nothing of interest came up for you that day.

Be Uncomfortable

I’m no monster, I love scented candles, comfy pillows and soothing music as much as the next woo witch. But you don’t need those things to journal. There is too much advice out there encouraging you to create a sanctuary around your journaling practice. So often people think they need to curate the perfect conditions before they can start journaling. Journaling doesn’t need to be a sacred ritual.

If you are privileged enough to have a space dedicated to journaling, then go ahead and keep all your candles and pillows out round the clock so they’re waiting for you when you are ready to journal. But if you are like most of us, creating a sanctuary requires extra work to set up, and then break down.

Telling yourself you need these ideal conditions to journal adds a barrier between you and journaling. Creating a sanctuary gives you a buttload of extra tasks to do before you can get started, plus it adds resistance because you know you have to clean up afterward.

While you might be inclined to occasionally go all in on creating a sanctuary, more often than not you’ll likely just scrap the whole idea and give up on journaling to avoid the extra work.

When you have time and/or the desire to journal, do it where you are. Worry less about making yourself comfortable and more about releasing the thoughts from your head.

As the new year approaches, I hope these tips inspire you to take some time to reflect on what you accomplished in 2023, as well as what you hope to create in 2024. Happy (almost) New Year my lovelies!

NEXT: Sitting with Our Shadow >

by Alyssa Zander
photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

There is nothing like the holidays to bring your deepest, darkest shadows to the light. Our family dynamics hold the cheat codes to our activation button and just when we thought we had finally forgiven that certain family member and BOOM. There we are with a tightness in our chest, clenched fists, and our wielded shield and sword.

That couldn’t have been further from the truth.

I have learned something extremely valuable and liberating after years (and thousands of dollars spent) of seeking outside of myself. In true holiday fashion, I want to gift you what I’ve learned along the way, trusting that you too will pass this onto another, and another, and together we will return to our Sovereignty.

There is no one out there that can possibly know what you need more than you do.

There's no one that could heal you more than you can heal yourself, because no one has experienced what you've experienced. It’s impossible for someone else to tell you what you need. Yes, you may find a time where you desire to have a guide in the form of a guide, but a guide is someone who walks alongside you, they hold your hand, they do not “fix” or change you.

I am honored to walk alongside many women, but I could never tell them what they need because I haven't lived their life. I can, however, guide them into finding that for themselves.

What are shadow aspects?

They are parts of ourselves that are unconscious. The parts that we repress or avoid acknowledging, usually because we have our own judgements or negative connotations with them. Swiss psychologist and psychoanalyst Carl G. Jung says “our shadow includes the darker aspects of ourselves like selfishness, greed, and aggression.” Jung believed that to become whole, we must acknowledge and accept our shadow. This process of facing your dark side is known as “shadow work.”

Sitting with our shadows brings us to meeting tender, timid, fearful, and angsty parts of us. This is the part of us that grabs the shield and sword when the activation button is pressed by your Aunt Tilly. When we are triggered or activated, it is an invitation for us to see ourselves more fully. By bringing curiosity to the moments, topics, and people that would trigger me allowed me to come into a deeper relationship with the shadow aspects of myself.

When I began to sit with my shadows, I noticed something started to soften within me. The deeper I saw myself, the deeper I was able to see and meet others. This has opened me up to holding two truths at the same time (which is extremely helpful in family dynamics).

When we sit with the shadow aspects of ourselves, the parts that we see when we are activated and triggered, we begin to learn how this part of us feels, and the stories that they tell. The more I met my shadow parts, the more wisdom I found in them.

Most of us have shadows banging outside our doors. We can’t explain why we feel “not like ourselves,” but it’s because a part of you is locked outside. My work has evolved into teaching others how to cultivate enough safety in their body to unlock the door and invite their shadow in.

When we welcome our shadow to come sit at the table and have tea with us, we hear their story, we connect, and that part of us comes home. The more we begin to love all parts of us, the greater our love grows for everything and everyone around us. Our relationships begin to take new forms (and in my experience, a much sweeter and more enjoyable form). We sit with our shadows because they have a need.

Since I haven't lived your experience I don't know how that part of you needs to be seen, but you do. You might be asking, “But how?” I am going to give you a really simple answer that your ego mind will want to be more complicated.

All you have to do is ask:

“What does this part of me need?”

“What is this here to show me, about me?”

Maybe it’s the part of you that is fighting with your partner, resentful towards your mom, or frustrated with your child. When you are triggered that is a perfect indicator that the situation or person is mirroring back something that you are needing to see within yourself. It's important to remember that when you ask the first time you might hear nothing.

The first several times I did this, I heard nothing. In fact, I heard a big, “Fuck you, I'm not talking to you for a while.” Healing is about continuously going back and building trust with these parts of us, because these parts of us are usually protecting us. They're hardened, rightfully so, as a way to keep them safe. So going back and continuing to go back with curiosity and compassion helps soften them.

The more you meet your shadows, the more you learn how to manage and navigate them. This changes the way you relate to your partner, friends, family, and children. You begin moving from a place of compassion, peace, and grace, rather than judgment, fear, and victim.

I watch the women I work with in Codependency Alchemy: The Membership move from arguing in circles, defending themselves, feeling unmet by their mothers, to feeling confident, empowered, and more joyful. Reclaiming these shadow parts of us brings us home, and we begin to live a radically different life.

This year, I invite you to give yourself the gift of loving all parts of you, fully.

Begin to use your triggers as signposts that point you back inward to meet yourself. It may seem easier to point the finger outward, but our freedom lives in the ways we take radical personal responsibility for ourselves, all parts of ourselves. Our relationships with others shift and change when our relationship to ourselves deepens.

Are you a beginner? Learn how to do shadow work, inner child healing, and somatics to support bringing healing into your body by grabbing my self-paced Codependency Alchemy Course. Jen Mag subscribers get 50% off, use code JEN MAG.

What you'll get:

• Five in-depth modules filled with teachings on common codependency patterns

• Shadow work reflections to get to the root of your tendencies

• Inner child work to reclaim all parts of you

• Somatic work to bring your nervous system into deeper regulation and resilience

• Workbooks to support you in exploring these patterns deeply, so that your newfound awareness and reflections can begin to make lasting change

• Guided Exercises and prompts- more than you could ever need to solidify and integrate all that you learned.

NEXT: The Case for New Traditions >

by Krysty Krywko
photo by Sigmund for Unsplash

My mother put a lot of work into creating picture perfect holidays. There were piles of beautifully wrapped presents, holiday décor unboxed and spread around the house, and large Ukrainian gatherings with mounds of food and noise that makes the scenes in My Big Fat Greek Wedding sound like the hush of a library.

As a child, I loved all of it.

When I became a mother, I gave up trying to recreate those scenes from childhood. Not because I don’t care about the holidays (in my opinion, Christmas is one of the most magical times of the year), but because I watched my mother wear herself down to the bone every year. From October to December, there wasn’t a day she wasn’t chopping, stirring, shopping, wrapping, rushing, driving, decorating, inviting, managing, directing, mailing, or worrying.

Beth Berry, author of Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth in the World, refers to this as “holiday motherwhelm.” But I don’t think you have to be a mother to experience this. It can happen to anyone who finds themselves in a state of over-functioning and trying to create meaningful magical experiences for people you love.

But, let’s be honest, the burden for this creation of a magical holiday fantasy rests unevenly on the shoulders of women.

This past summer, my mother finally confessed that it was all too much. She told me she wished she hadn’t spent so much time getting ready for the holidays; that she’d spent more time enjoying them. The season went by in a blur, she said. She could hardly pull herself out of bed on January 1st. That’s how exhausted she was.

I think of the time and energy my mother put into making sure everyone else had an experience to remember; the heaviness of what she went through, of what was “expected” of mothers in the Canadian suburb I grew up in. It feels soul-crushing.

Those expectations aren’t something I want to pick up. So I haven’t.

I shift into self-preservation mode when the holiday season arrives. I spend a lot of energy, protecting my own energy. I’m no longer willing to lose myself to the madness of a season, especially as a single-mother. I don’t have the time or the resources to do that.

Audre Lorde stated, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.” In times of stress and turmoil, we’re told we need to medicate ourselves, instead of freeing ourselves. Instead of taking our place on the front lines of the lives we want to create, we’re told to retreat onto our couches and just “rosé all day.”

But I want to tell you, it’s okay if things feel or look different this year. In fact, here are some ways to ensure self-preservation stays at the top of your list as a gift to yourself.

Take some time

AKA putting some boundaries in place so your entire life doesn’t get disrupted for the last quarter of the year. A big part of protecting your energy during the holiday season is knowing what your needs are so you can find, or strengthen, your voice. This can be hard at first, especially if you’re in the habit of doing all the things for everyone else before you think of yourself, so be gentle. Alone time can be anything from 15 minutes from behind the locked door of the bathroom drinking a cup of coffee and listening to a podcast, to booking a night for yourself at an Airbnb in your town. Find what works for you and plan for it unapologetically. Alone time isn’t a selfish endeavor.

Change traditions

There’s usually generational baggage that arrives with holidays. What dishes are you supposed to serve? What time are they served? Who exchanges gifts with who? And so on. I’ve rewritten many of my family traditions. The intention and the belief are the same, but they look and feel very different. Don’t run around thinking you need to always do things the same way, forever and ever. Some things will remain the same (if you want them to), and some things will change, (if you want them to). Maybe you don’t go to Michigan to spend time with your in-laws. Maybe you decide to spend Hanukkah with your neighbor this year. Think of the parts of the holidays that are important for you to keep and the traditions you want to pass on. Ask your kids, or other family members, which part of the holidays they love, and which ones they can do without.

Embrace being a boss

You might not have control over every part of the holiday—yes, your mom still expects you to be there for the big meal—but remember there are parts where you make the ultimate decision. If you can only handle a short amount of time at the New Years Eve party, you get to do that. If you want to donate money to a cause that’s close to your heart, instead of buying gifts, you get to do that. The holiday season hits everyone differently. Depression, anxiety, bad memories are real. But this can be a time to rewrite what the holiday season means to you. Volunteering can be one way to help connect with something other than yourself. If so, find an organization that resonates with who you are and you’ll bring more meaning to the season.

Go alcohol free

Alcohol is not your friend at this time of year. (It never really is, but that’s an entirely different article.) If you’re drinking around your family and have gathered data over the years that shows how it can go all kinds of wrong—crying, shouting, fighting, overreacting—skip it.

Find something that’s festive, like cranberry juice, mint, and seltzer. Or try one of the bazillion new alcohol-free beverages on the market. You won’t be hungover in the morning. Plus you’ll have better energy, focus, and clarity, and you can put all of that into being truly present for the holidays.

And if you’re spending part of the holidays alone (as a single-mother I’m always alone for something) drinking by yourself isn’t going to make you feel better. If you’re experiencing any kind of anxiety or depression, which can be brought on by the holidays, alcohol makes you feel worse.

Nourish your spirit

Deep down you know the holiday season isn’t about racing around and spending money you don’t have or that no one really needs, or wearing yourself out to create an Instagram-worthy holiday display. If those are truly the things that fill you up, then by all means go for it. But, if what you’re doing leaves you feeling empty, that’s a sign to reconnect with the core of what you’re celebrating in the first place. We all have different ways of feeding our spirit: movement, meditation, being outdoors, spending time with our peeps. These can all be more nourishing than the standard holiday traditions.

Engage in daily rituals and routines that energize you, fill you with purpose, and allow you to tackle another day.

Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially as we head into this holiday season with its undercurrent of political and cultural instability. Give yourself permission to reclaim the pieces of yourself you might have lost along the way and wave goodbye to ghosts of holidays past.

One final note

Holidays bring up all kinds of feelings. You might feel pressure to give your children or others to find the perfect gift, the most expensive gift, the coolest gift, the most gifts, or make the greatest number of cookies or whatever it is you think you need to do to impress others in your life. If you’re feeling like this, it’s totally normal.

The challenge: focus on making unique gifts for family members, or buy them second hand, instead. It can be a different way instead of showering your kids with all the latest plastic toys that are soon forgotten, or buying things because you think you have to. Saving up for a trip, or planning for an experience are also ways to avoid the holiday shopping onslaught.

NEXT: Our Top 5 Fall Comfort Movies >

by Julia Washington

At the beginning of every new season, I think “This is my favorite time of year.” So here we are again in Fall and I’m in love…again. Then I remember, I just love when seasons start to change. The transition into something new, whether it’s hibernation or rebirth, feels exciting because it’s the Earth saying to us that she’s ready to move on. But that signal of moving on first triggers some nostalgia for me.

Now as we move deeper into Autumn, I find myself craving certain movies—some of which take me down the road of memories towards childhood field trips to apple orchards, and others to times when I was in love. Inspired by all of that, here are my top 5 movies recommendations for falling in love with Fall.

No. 5: P.S. I Love You

When I need my heart ripped out and a really good cry, PS I Love you starring Hilary Swank is just the ticket. This movie gives all four seasons, international travel, love, loss, hope, and the cool moody vibes of the East Coast. It's based on the book, but the only things truly in common are the names of the characters, the title of the book, and that Holly receives letters from her late husband. Oh, and one more similarity: the book, like the movie, also filled me with tears.

No. 4: Mona Lisa Smile

New England in the fall in the 1950s is a dose of nostalgia that reminds me of my grandmother's time and what it was like for women who didn't quite fit the mold. I love this film for its scenery, costumes, and reminder that while it doesn't always seem like it, we have in fact come a long way.

No. 3: The Devil Wears Prada

This is a favorite because it lets me experience the New York (and Paris) fashion scene without having to leave the comfort of my couch. It feels like a romcom, but it's really a coming-of-age/self-discovery with a heavy dose of fashion. I love how now we are all on board with Andi's boyfriend being the true villain of this movie. This one is also based on a book, but it strays a bit from its source material. In this case, the movie is better.

No. 2: When Harry Met Sally

I have always loved this film and despite being tired of the men and women can't be friends trope, I always turn to it at the start of fall because it makes me long for the coziness of a good friend and cable knit sweaters. It’s easy to see why it was nominated for best Original Screenplay at the 1990 Academy Awards. Centered around a human condition with quippy dialogue, When Harry Met Sally had me believing adulthood would be filled with regular dinners out with friends, game nights, and a best friend I couldn’t live without.

And coming in at number one...

No. 1: Anne of Green Gables

Anne of Green Gables captivated me at a young age and ever since then Anne Shirley and the Prince Edward Island of the early twentieth century is an autumn vibe I long to experience. It’s a story of found family, friendship, and love. And there is a sweet innocence in all of it that is a nice escape from the realities and horrors of the twenty-first century. Anne, played brilliantly by Megan Follows, reminds me what it's like to be young and full of hope and potential. While the movie strays a bit from her source material, producer and director Kevin Sullivan gives us something that ages much better than the books. His adaptation is so beautiful and such a wonderful tribute to LM Montgomery's series (minus the 3rd film…I don’t know what that garbage was) so much so that I wonder if he's related in some way to Montgomery herself.

NEXT: A Classic Day in Baltimore >

photo by Dave Cooper

Baltimore. It’s the birthplace of jazz greats like Billie Holiday and legendary filmmakers like John Waters. Plus, it has one of the most beautiful libraries in the world. It’s also the home of Jennifer founder, Jennifer Cooper. She shares how she spends a classic day in the place with a well-earned nickname, Charm City.

Ceremony Coffee

While there’s no shortage of amazing coffee shops and roasters in town, my favorite is Ceremony. They make a truly proper cortado—warm not hot—and serve it with a side of sparkling water.

The George Peabody Library

It’s one of the most beautiful libraries in the world—Jenna Lyons even has a huge photo of it hanging on her bedroom wall—and most people have no idea it’s here. I pop in when I need a moment of inspiration. It reminds me how important and beautiful our stories are.

Mount Vernon Place Park

It’s a great place to people-watch or read a book. The cobblestone streets, gothic churches, and fountain sculptures remind me of a European square.

Paper Herald

I’m always in search of a fresh journal and new pens. Plus they sell candles. I always have a candle going at home so I need to replace them often.

The Coral Wig

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve deeply appreciated how important small moments of respite and beauty are. That’s why I love grabbing a drink with my husband in the evening after a long day and their non-alcoholic cocktails are luscious.

Alma Cocina Latina

There is nothing like a delicious meal served with love and care. The owners often make the rounds saying hi to locals—they’re super community focused—and the head chef is destined to win a James Beard. Make sure you order the arepas. They’ll change your life. So good.

NEXT: Our Nov/Dec 2023 Cover >

We’re not sure who to thank for the intro to Lanshin—must be a day the algorithm gods felt benevolent—but we’re seeing ourselves in a whole new light. Our jaws are less clenched, our scalps are stimulated, and we’re appreciating all the beauty beneath the surface of our skin. That’s the power of gua sha. It’s also the power of Lanshin’s founder and trained Traditional Chinese Medicine expert, Sandra Lanshin Chiu. Her mission is to return you “to feeling beautiful in a way that’s completely unchained from weight, youth or trends.” 

Chiu offers a variety of in-person treatments including facial acupuncture, but for those of us who can’t make it to her Brooklyn location, she offers products and video courses for gua sha and self-massage so you can treat yourself at home.

NEXT: A Cure for the Holidaze