by Alyssa Zander

When I think about the month of February I think about intimacy, and probably not in the way you might be thinking about intimacy when reading that word. Maybe it’s because February is commonly seen as the month of love, or maybe it’s because it’s my birthday month, but during this time every year I go really deep with myself because the deeper we see ourselves, the deeper we are able to see others. 

Meeting my shadow self has helped me learn how to fully embrace all parts of myself, and this is unconditional self-love. To love the parts of myself that are uncomfortable to admit to is an act of activism, love, and peace.  I want to share with you the questions that helped me find my shadow self, and the tools I use to help me bring deeper intimacy with it.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” -Carl. G. Jung

See, what drew me to Jungian theory and shadow work was that it deeply aligned with my core beliefs and values of bringing our work inward. I had spent the majority of my life focusing outwardly and trying to get other people to see why they needed to care, heal, advocate, etc. It was my way of trying to control a world that felt out of control. It was also my way of avoiding the parts of myself I tried to keep hidden.

What is the shadow self? 

Jung speaks about coming into wholeness: a state of completion of the human soul that comes from psychological awareness, self-knowledge, and self-acceptance. 

Our shadow is the repressed aspect of our personality. It’s the part of us that our ego deems as unpleasant or unattractive. Shadow aspects of ourselves are usually unconscious (not known to you), until you bring them into consciousness. The more conscious we become of these parts the lest they run the show without our knowing. 

The shadow aspects of myself are the parts of me that judge, compare, hate, and experience envy (to name a few). Perhaps they are the same for you too. 

When I repress these parts of me, they only get louder and bigger. And they’d wind up running my emotions. I’d end up projecting onto the ones closest to me. 

It led to continuously feeling alone, isolated, and depressed.

But, interestingly, when I began to fully embrace these parts of me and hold them with unconditional love, they softened. This freed up space to experience more peace and contentment in my life and relationships. 

Meeting our shadow selves is an act of activism. 

Bringing the unconscious aspects of ourselves forward and holding them with curiosity, compassion, and love lessens the projections that continue to oppress and keep our collective in separation. We are a microcosm of the macrocosm. When I feel pain, sadness, or anger with what I see around me I go within and ask: Where does this live within me? 

I began to experience more confidence, peace, and love for not just myself but the world around me. 

I had to learn how to fully embrace the parts of me that judged, blamed, or felt victimized by my circumstances. I had to learn how to take radical personal responsibility and see where my projections were really just a way for me to override meeting myself more deeply.

Curiosity is the key to building intimacy with your shadow

For me the most powerful tool in learning about my shadow self has been curiosity. Staying curious keeps your heart open, and can ease the ego (even if only just slightly). Here are some ways you can invite curiosity as a way to get to know, see, and understand your shadow. 

Where You Can Find Your Shadow Self 

1. Where are you blaming others? The tendency to blame others often resides in the shadow self because it allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our own actions and emotions. By projecting blame onto others, we protect ourselves from confronting uncomfortable truths about our own contributions to a situation.

2. Where are you judging others? Judging others can be a reflection of our own insecurities and unacknowledged shortcomings. The shadow self tends to project these internal struggles onto others, creating a false sense of superiority or control as a defense mechanism against facing our own perceived inadequacies.

3. What flaws do you point out in others? Pointing out flaws in others may be a way for the shadow self to divert attention away from its own perceived weaknesses. By hyper-focusing on the shortcomings of others, we avoid confronting and addressing our own vulnerabilities and areas for personal growth.

4. Where are you playing the victim? Playing the victim can be a manifestation of the shadow self seeking sympathy or external validation. This allows us to avoid taking agency over our lives and making necessary changes. The victim role becomes a shield against facing the discomfort of personal accountability and the empowerment that comes with it.

How to Build Intimacy with Your Shadow Self

1. Self-Reflection: Set aside time to bring curiosity to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Consider situations that trigger strong reactions or emotions within you. Ask yourself why certain aspects of your personality might make you uncomfortable or evoke a strong response. This process of self-awareness will support you in identifying potential elements of your shadow self.

2. Journal: Write about your experiences and any recurring patterns that you notice in your thoughts and behaviors. This will help you uncover patterns and themes of your shadow self. Try to be as honest and open in your writing as possible, allowing your thoughts and feelings to flow without judgment.

3. Embrace & Integrate: Once you've identified aspects of your shadow self, approach them with acceptance and compassion by asking: What does this part of me need, from me? Instead of suppressing or rejecting these aspects, try to integrate them into your conscious awareness. This doesn't mean approving of negative behaviors, but rather acknowledging and understanding the underlying emotions and motivations.

Remember that your shadow self holds wisdom and insights for your personal growth. Embracing these aspects allows you to remember your wholeness and authenticity. 

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. - Carl G. Jung

We did it! We made another issue! This one is all about intimacy with ourselves. We also dive into the power of energy exchanges, get a local’s tour of Seattle, and talk with a jewelry designer who is on a mission to return meaning and ritual to the ancient practice of adornment.

Comments are open on all of these for you jenXers. So feel free to kick it old-school blog style like back in the days. You know, before social media empires took over our lives.

With lots of love,

Jen

Here’s what’s inside…

Seattle. Yeah, it’s rainy. It also captured the attention of an entire generation who fell hard for grunge, lattes, and startups. It’s also long been the birthplace of seismic shifts in art and culture as we know it. It still is. Artist Melanie Biehle shares how she spends a classic day in her city.

MORNING MUST-HAVES

I’m glad you caught up with me this month because I’ve been completely motivated to revamp my morning routine and have been getting a lot done! 

But first…coffee. I am obsessed with this milk steamer/frother that my husband got me for my birthday. I use it every morning along with a pinch of Anjali’s Cup Chai Masala to create the best cup of coffee. Then it’s time to head into my studio, light my Alibi NYC Honey & Bourbon candle, and get to work.

I’ve been journaling and planning out my day each morning and it has made a huge difference in what I’ve been motivated to do and able to accomplish in a day. For freeform “morning pages” types of writing I like to use pen and paper. Then I transfer the things that I want to be able to reference or search for later into Moleskine Journey. I also use this app for daily to-do lists and long-term plans/goals. 

A TYPICAL WORK DAY

After I check in with myself each morning and figure out how my day is going to look, then it’s time to get started. I’m often responsible for getting my kid and dog out into the world before turning to my own goals. I try to schedule painting days for the days when my husband works from home so I’ll have more time for long, uninterrupted art sessions. The other days are for business tasks — things that don’t take as long to set up or fully get into, and don’t suffer as much from being interrupted as the actual creation of art.

OUT AND ABOUT

My days are often spent painting and working in my home studio, but I also try to spend time at the beach or in the city every week. Here are some of my favorite places to visit in Seattle.

Elliott Bay Book Company in Capitol Hill has an excellent vibe and a great magazine section. 

Frankie & Jo’s for delicious ice cream that’s so rich and creamy that you don’t even think of it as being vegan. Try Salty Caramel Ash or Chocolate Tahini Supercookie. 

Olympic Sculpture Park a beautiful waterfront park that is affiliated with the Seattle Art Museum. 

Pike Place Market is a tourist destination that is also well-loved by locals. It’s one of my favorite places to visit in the city. Be sure to pop into gourmet grocer DeLaurenti for all kinds of good stuff to bring home.

Casa di LaValle is a beautiful home goods boutique owned and run by interior stylist Cassandra LaValle. We often collaborate on custom art collections for her shop.

Fonda La Catrina is a delicious Mexican restaurant in the Georgetown neighborhood. Bonus points for its heated covered patio. 

And finally, I love visiting Venture Coffee in Ballard for a lavender latte.

by Jennifer Cooper

Artist Kate Ellen has seen jewelry used to “help the immaterial changes that happen within our souls become material, tangible, relatable, shareable.” How’s that for something pretty? 

I love jewelry. It’s one of the few things I wear every day. A pair of earrings, a bracelet, or a necklace if it feels right. There’s just something special about adorning ourselves. Humans have done it since the beginning of time. But it’s not just any sparkly thing that resonates with me. It’s something deeper. 

“Jewelry that has heart and soul is best as a creative process and not just about acquiring more pretty things,” Kate says, “as beautiful and valuable as they may be.” This lands with me. The creative process I feel are the stories each piece represents. 

All of my jewelry has deep meaning for me. Nearly all was made by independent women artists in small batches. And I remember the exact moment I received each and every piece, who gave it to me, and how I was feeling. 

It’s become a ritual of remembering each time I wear one; a moment I celebrate with intention.  

I am not alone in this practice. Kate says the magic of jewelry is in “setting a clear intention about what it means to you, and then going slow enough to feel how this intention is reflected back to you through the object.”

I recently spoke with Kate of Crown Nine about her approach to infusing ritual into special pieces, including one for something many have experienced—reproductive loss. 

How did you get into goldsmithing? 

I took a metalsmithing class on a whim in my mid-20s, a sort of grasping at straws attempt to de-stress while working as a teacher. The bulk of my goldsmithing training has been done on the job, by accepting work that was just a little outside my ability and learning how to do it as I went with mentors, other metalsmiths, and a few gem setters who really knew their stuff and helped me improve. 

When I started, I had zero ambition to make fine jewelry or wedding jewelry - that was something born out of my clients asking me to do it. And little by little that has become the thing I am known for. 

Is it something you knew you always wanted to do? 

No. I struggled a lot with school as a young person, and I was most at home in my art classes but didn't feel particularly talented at anything. I loved the weirdos and the vibe of art class but never found a medium that called to me or came naturally. I also had some very limiting beliefs about art as a young person because I felt it was for the self-indulgent and self-centered and ultimately not a real thing you could base your life on—unless you were a naturally gifted genius. 

I was also one of those young women who felt terribly guilty about the state of the world and felt the only thing worthwhile I could do was try to fix it, clean it up, make it better and do my part. So I was attracted to the helping professions. I have a degree in public health and human services and did case management, teaching, and working in nonprofits. 

I learned a lot about myself and the world while on that path and had some incredible experiences. My favorite was teaching comprehensive sex education to at-risk teenagers, I was the lady that would show up with a box of dicks to do condom demonstrations with high school-kids! But in my late 20s, I started pushing back on this concept of my worth being so tied to my ability to fix things or be a part of the solution to repairing a broken world, partly as I unpacked my own family dynamics from childhood. 

I began contemplating how many of the choices I had made were really for me, or were made to upholding an image of what I thought others wanted from me. When I found metalsmithing, I was at a bit of a low point in my life and so I kind of stopped caring as much about what others thought of me. And the very cool thing is that all those interests and skills I had in my professional life as a teacher and working in social services have totally bled over into my artistic life, acting as guideposts for my values and intentions. 

You do something that I haven’t seen done—at least not the way you’re doing it—and that’s really infusing the element of ritual into jewelry. Can you tell us why you approach jewelry in this way, as something beyond just visual beauty? For instance, I think Tiffany’s stuff looks nice, but it’s pretty cold, you know? 

For weddings and engagements, we all know jewelry to be a profound and powerful tool for storytelling and symbolism. What I have recognized in my work with clients over the years is that this potency is there for any of our life milestones that are likewise a huge threshold to traverse, to mark a moment of inner transformation and change. Jewelry can serve as a witness and reminder to how we have changed and become a different person. 

Just like how it can mark, "Now I am a married person," it can likewise help us with other huge identity shifts like, "Now I am a person without a living parent," or "Now I am a mother," or "Now I am a person who loves and honors herself," or "Now I am cancer free," or "Now I am committed to my own creativity."

Jewelry is so impactful as an artform because it's so intimate, worn and warmed up on the body and it becomes a part of our daily rituals of care and self-expression. We can elevate the meaning of a piece by creating small but significant rituals or ceremonies for our initiation into wearing it, just like a ring exchange at a wedding. As a culture we still practice this tradition at weddings because it works! I want to teach people how to do it for other moments in their lives. 

You’ve become a fierce advocate for expanding people’s knowledge about reproductive health issues and all that includes, from puberty to menopause. I imagine, at first glance, it might seem like these two things don’t go together (jewelry and health) but you make it work in a powerful way. I’m thinking about your locket project that honors people "who have walked the path of pregnancy and child loss in all its forms.” I have to say, it is so beautiful. The way it opens up to reveal something we so often keep hidden. Can you tell me more about it? 

I started the Locket Project for myself, I basically made a piece of jewelry just for myself to acknowledge that yes, I indeed did have a miscarriage and yes it did impact me. 

It was early and between my two daughters and somehow I felt like it wasn't significant enough of a loss to grieve, pause, or ask for help or support. It wasn't until after my second was earthside that I finally let out a breath. 

I hadn't realized how hypervigilant I had been, and how that impacted my pregnancy and mental health while carrying her. So I made this little locket to honor that part of myself and my experience, and remarkably the necklace began making it easier for me to talk about it. And when I talked about it, it became clear how universal the experience is and how I was not alone. No two experiences are identical, we each have our own experience with reproductive loss. 

Believe me, it is woven into every woman's life in one way or another. So I thought to offer this to other women, but I didn't just want to make some trinkety thing that people would buy because it was marketed as a token for a loss. I wanted to share with people how jewelry is a powerful tool for healing if you know how to wield it. 

I included a ritual kit, journaling prompts, and a ceremony/ritual for folks to use to initiate themselves into wearing it. This year I'll be re-releasing it with some tweaks and additions, namely some group calls, video modules, and 1:1 ceremony coaching calls with me to help people in their healing journey, in whatever way or form including choosing to terminate.

It may seem like a weird combo—women's reproductive health and jewelry—but to me it makes total sense, I've always been passionate about women's bodies in this way.  

What’s been one of your favorite client experiences so far? I imagine you have a ton of beautiful stories. 

Oh god, there are so many and the very best of them are deeply private, but I will say that as an artist and guide, the best is when people show up fully as themselves and just let themselves feel everything. 

I have helped people transform jewelry that survived the holocaust, plane crashes, and failed marriages. I have helped people create jewelry that was about pleasing and expressing who they really are, not what someone else wanted them to be, ending a long era of people pleasing and shedding patriarchal expectations. 

I can't explain how deep the honor is, and how I feel a purpose in my skill to help people make the immaterial real and beautiful—to let go of someone, to hold on to someone, to remember the dead and the dying, to be liberated, to love oneself, to become a mother, to forgive, to move on. 

To me it's rewarding when the process is intimate and folks really let me in on what kind of magic they want in their life. 

by Alisa Stamps, MSS, LCSW

I got into a new hobby during the Covid quarantine. It wasn’t baking. It wasn’t sewing. It was tattooing. I got many, many new tattoos during the most intense months of the pandemic. 

Why a bunch, seemingly all at once? The answer came to me as I was sitting getting my last one a little while ago…

Something to know about tattoos and myself—I have to wait for the idea of what I want to come to me, I can’t really plan for long periods of time and perseverate over it. Which is odd, because in other parts of my life I do just that. I kind of have to wait for the inspiration to hit, so to speak. I may have an idea of the style of tattoo that I want to get, but the actual tattoo image itself needs time to develop. 

Back to my original thought. This thought was helped by something my husband said to me when I told him I was going to get another tattoo and that this time my tattoo artist (Mandy Peeke who is fabulous). I said, “Mandy’s going to draw on me and then we’ll see where that takes us.”

He thought this was the craziest idea he had ever heard. “You’re going to get something permanent on your body and you don’t have any idea of what it’s going to look like?!”

Yeah that’s right. Me, who basically plans everything ahead of time—and has lived most of her life with an avoidantly-structured and rigid relationship with her body—is going to play this one by ear. Crazy indeed! 

That’s when it hit me. Tattoos are probably the one thing more than anything else that connects me to my body. 

It’s hard to avoid being “in” your body when you are sitting on the table for a few hours, hearing the buzzing from the tattoo machine and feeling the pain from the ink going into your skin. There is a connection during that time. 

My husband has never had the challenge of “not being in” his body. He doesn’t understand how it is to spend most of your life trying to make your body “smaller” or even non-existent. He doesn’t understand how the more you “feel” yourself inside of your clothes, the more you want to avoid feeling altogether. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to hate parts of your body, hate them so much that you become disgusted even looking at them.

Tattoos help me to like parts of my body better. 

One of the tattoos I got is part of the Mary Oliver poem “The Journey.” It’s in beautiful old-fashioned cursive, on a weathered scroll. I purposely put this tattoo on my leg—the part of my body that I hate(d) more than any other part. The part that was commented on the most in my narcissistic family system. The part I was once told that if I wanted to I could have it “liposuction and it would be paid for.”

Now, all I see when I look at my leg are those meaningful verses which help me to remember how far I’ve come in my journey. 

I shared my idea for this article with Mandy after she had completed my tattoo. She voiced agreement, and shared some of her own story about the parts of her body that she likes much better now after getting tattoos placed there. She believes tattoos can be “cathartic and really help someone heal their love/hate relationship with their body.” I couldn’t agree more.

*My tattoo artist is Mandy Peeke at Electric Venom Tattoo in New Jersey in case you want to check her out. Awesome with watercolor! Email her at: mandypeeke@gmail.com.

by Betsaida LeBron

Recently, a friend invited me out for a group dinner. I knew some of the people there, while others were complete strangers. In the past, I’d jump at these opportunities. But now, I often find myself needing a bit of a pep talk to embrace a social invite. So I gave myself a nudge and decided to go. 

At the dinner, there was conversation, but the atmosphere felt a bit off. It was as if each person was having dinner alone. They just happened to be sharing the same table.

When I got home, I felt disappointed with how the night turned out. But instead of using this letdown as another reason to avoid going out, I decided to take a closer look at what really happened. Here’s what I noticed: 

Group Dynamics

As a coach for leaders and teams, I'm always observing group dynamics. So, after this dinner, I couldn't help but wonder about the group interactions and why the night didn't quite meet my expectations. Everyone was physically present, but there seemed to be a lack of energetic engagement.

Before I blame anyone else, I need to admit I was part of the equation too. It hit me that I’d shown up hoping to soak up all the good vibes from others. I planned to receive positive energy, but I'd forgotten I have a responsibility to offer positive energy as well. This is what we call an energy exchange and ours that night was blocked. 

Energy Exchange

Emotions are part of a human energy exchange. We are constantly putting out energy through our emotions and receiving energy in the form of the emotions of others. We're all like little beacons of energy, radiating our energy and picking up the energy of others. What we feel is the energy colliding and vibrating. That’s why we call it a 'vibe.' That vibe is the shared vibrations that form when we amplify our energies.

Human interaction is a two-way street; a dance of give and take. It's not just what we stand to gain from others, but also what we bring to the table. This exchange of energy is an integral part of our social interactions. It's what binds us together at work, in our relationships, and even with strangers.

Dynamics of Energy

Here's the funny thing about energy: it multiplies. When we collectively tap into a vibe, it's like our energies get together and have a party of their own. The more we invest in the vibe, the bigger the party gets. So, there's actually so much to gain when we actively contribute!

When we don’t contribute to the collective energy—either by holding back our energy or keeping our emotions to ourselves—we’re disrupting the natural rhythm of human interaction. It creates an imbalance that can leave us feeling out of sync and detached because we’re not fully participating in the collective experience. Sure, we may be physically present, but we’re not truly engaged.

Emotional Cost of Disconnection

Let's be honest, things have shifted since the pandemic. I've felt it too. Over time most of us, without realizing it, have forgotten how to freely share our energy in order to contribute to a collective vibe. We’ve fallen into the unintentional pattern of holding back our energy, not realizing the impact it has on ourselves and those around us.

I'll admit, I've found myself being more cautious with my energy, too. It's like I've put up an invisible shield, becoming more selective about where I channel my energy. It's almost like I'm holding an internal interview, assessing if a person or a situation truly deserves my energy before I let any of it flow their way.

Over time, this mostly subconscious self-imposed isolation can cultivate a deep sense of loneliness. It happens because we're not nurturing the necessary connections with those around us. We're not actively participating in the ebb and flow of energy that is vital for community building and personal satisfaction. Last year, the US Surgeon General raised the alarm about the epidemic of loneliness and isolation. This is a downside of not sharing our energy. We end up feeling disconnected and alone.

Catch the Vibe

If we want to see things change we must be the change we want to see in the world. Although that can feel like an overwhelming responsibility, it doesn’t have to be. Big change always starts small.

Imagine if we all decided to bring intentional energy into every room we walked into. Imagine if we saw our energy as something that could be multiplied and shared. We could transform our communities. And the best part? It's good for us too.

Let's start thinking of our energy as an investment in the world we want to live in, instead of something we must jealously guard. Sure, it might feel a bit risky, like being the first one on the dance floor. But hey, someone's got to feel the rhythm and be willing to start the party, right? Why not us?

by Keri Emme

There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it: as women, we’re conditioned to hate our bodies. 

Even if you grew up in the most loving, body-positive home, the moment you saw a movie, watched network TV, or looked at a magazine cover in the checkout line, you started absorbing the idea that your body is wrong. (And let’s be honest, chances are that, like most of us, you didn’t grow up in a body-positive home)

When we’re young, it’s easy to absorb this messaging. As kids we’re still learning how the world works and we’re soaking up information to figure out how best to navigate our life. 

From day one, our lifelong mission is clear: We are to spend our time here on earth desperately searching for a way to correct our body.

Eventually there comes a time when we start to let go of some of the toxic messaging we’ve absorbed. As part of the unlearning process we start searching for movements that will support us as we let go of the beliefs that have been holding us back. Beliefs like: 

• The worst thing you can be is fat

• Your cravings are wrong

• You have to look perfect to have your picture taken

• A workout must be painful to be beneficial

As we start to realize how damaging these pervasive beliefs can be, it seems natural that we fall into the open and compassionate arms of Body Positivity. 

The basic tenant of Body Positivity is that all bodies are beautiful. How you are built is beautiful. And that feels really good to hear when we’ve spent our lives being told the opposite.

 But over time we start to question this movement. Thoughts start to creep in:

“I know I’m supposed to love my body, but I just really hate my flabby arms.”

“How am I supposed to love something I’ve hated for years?” 

“Does loving my body shape mean I can’t want to change it?”

“Does wanting to change my body mean I don’t love it?” 

We start to wonder if Body Positivity is right for us, and along comes rational, tempered Body Neutrality. Like your best friend’s aloof older brother, Body Neutrality can’t be bothered by all those feelings.

Body Neutrality’s approach tells us that your body simply is. You don’t have to love it, and you don’t have to hate it. It’s a meat-suit that lets you experience life and there is no reason to assign “good” or “bad” feelings to the way it looks. It exists and that’s all that matters. 

On the outside this can also feel really empowering. Let’s redirect all this mental energy we expend over how our body looks and just do what we want, regardless of our size and shape. Sign me up! Body Neutrality for the win!

Until you realize this mentality is asking you to deny and suppress very real emotions.

(You let me know when you figure out how to stop having emotions... Except please don’t. I like having emotions.)

So here we are, decades into life, swirling around in a cauldron of Love your body! Change your body! Ignore your body! [insert Charlie Brown screaming]

Now that I’ve sufficiently broken your will to live, I have hopeful news! There is a mentality I’ve found that takes the best bits of both of these movements so you can make them work for you. It’s called Body Empowerment. 

You see, Body Positivity and Body Neutrality are small pieces of a larger puzzle; Body Empowerment does a better job at telling the whole story.

Like Body Neutrality, Body Empowerment encourages us to do what we want regardless of how we currently feel about our body, negative, neutral, or positive.

We create a relationship with our body that allows us to pursue the things we want to do, but unlike Body Neutrality, we don’t deny that we may feel a certain way about our bodies while we are out there living life.

Body Empowerment allows us to see the value in our existence, acknowledging that even when insecurities arise, we can take the time to recognize our insecurities and move forward compassionately, rather than pretending we don’t have insecurities. 

But the most lovely part about allowing ourselves to feel how we feel is that we get to celebrate our bodies for all the amazing things they do! (Hello, Body Positivity!) 

As we move through life doing the things we love, we can tap into gratitude for all the parts of our body that help us do what we do. We will never experience the world outside our bodies. Our bodies are what allow us to move through life, to perceive, to sense, to feel, to do, and to be. There is so much magic in celebrating them.

So how do we achieve Body Empowerment? I’m so glad you asked. 

Step One

The first step is tapping into Body Positivity. Grab a sheet of paper, open your notes app, do, crack open that journal. What do you love about yourself? Make a list. Try to name at least 25 things (but don’t stop there if you have more!). Start celebrating those things. Decorate them. Show them off. Get in the habit of thanking your body parts throughout the day. 

After decades of self-hate messaging, this practice will help you start to heal your relationship with your body. Over time you’ll start to view your body through a lens of celebration.

But what about those parts that we just can’t be grateful for? The things that we have spent years trying to change, and seem too far gone to ever truly love?

Step Two

Step two is where Body Neutrality comes in to pick up the slack. Practice shifting your focus away from your body and toward the amazing things you want to do in life. Ask yourself the tough questions, like if I weren’t spending my energy on trying to change my body, where else could I put that energy? Meditate, journal, write it all out and light it on fire. 

This practice helps you realize the futility of obsessing over our body shape and size. There are so many other things out there to explore, why not focus on those things instead?

Naturally there are going to be parts of our body that we love, because our bodies allow us to feel joy. In those times, lean into Body Positivity. Thank your body. Love on it. The more we practice Body Positivity, the easier it is to tap into it in the future.

For those heavier times when it seems impossible to love a part of your body, acknowledge your feelings. Take the time to witness your insecurities, listen to their message, and have compassion for yourself. You’ve spent years being told that your body needs to be fixed. These insecurities won’t disappear immediately. In fact, they may not ever fully go away. That’s when you can listen to the wisdom of Body Neutrality: How you are built is not wrong. How you are built simply is how you are built.

Body Positivity and Body Neutrality are the vehicles that can take you out of self-hatred and toward Body Empowerment. Choose the one that feels right for you in the moment and don’t be afraid to switch back and forth as needed.  Over time and with enough practice you’ll see them start to blend together seamlessly, and that, my loves, is Body Empowerment.

by Julia Washington

I am a sorry sucker for love in all forms; romcoms, dramatic, dramady, comedy. Give me a good love story and I will forever be a fan. Obviously, love is a topic explored in movies, music, television, and books. But regardless of how much we examine it—and our relationship with love—we seem to be on a permanent quest for more on the subject. 

So as we continue that journey of understanding what love means to us in every form, I offer a few book recommendations to help us along the way. 

All About Love: New Vision by bell hooks

Published in 2000, bell hooks examines romantic love in the modern age, with each chapter focusing on a different aspect of love. While there are moments of dated ideas, the whole of the book holds up very well. It challenges what our collective society thinks about love, how we interpret what we are told about love, and how we can rethink love and grow into a space that brings us to a better understanding of what love means. hooks references the many male researchers and philosophers of love while bringing her perspective of the subject as well. On a personal note, this book took me on a journey as I am getting closer to the ten-year mark of being a singleton. Not only that, as my child ages and grows into adulthood, the love I feel for him is changing too. I’m not suggesting this book “fixed” me. It did, however, answer some questions I didn’t even know I had. 

Harper, 2000 (272 pages)

Every Summer After

Every Summer After is the contemporary love story of my dreams. Written by Carley Fortune,  this story is told through a series of flashbacks starting when Percy is in the 8th grade and then takes us through the next six years. While spending her summers in Barry’s Bay Percy develops a deep friendship with the neighbor kids, Sam and Charlie. What I love about this book is that it explores how complicated young love can be when the world you experience it in, exists in a vacuum. It balances youthful innocence and broken hearts. Every Summer After feels like a Taylor Swift song in the best way. You know the way Swift captures the whimsy and nostalgia of love's past? Fortune has that same skill. It’s beautiful and sometimes cozy. Even if you never experienced young love, Persephone and Sam capture you in a way that feels familiar and warm. 

Penguin Publishing Group, 2022 (320 pages)

Heartstopper Series

Krikus calls Hearstopper: Volume One, “An adorable diary of love’s gut punches.” I give that review a hard agree. Hearstopper is a graphic novel series written by Alice Oseman. It follows Charlie and Nick as they navigate friendship and blossoming love. The series, five in all so far, also navigates mental health, coming out, and self-identity all while being wildly and enamored by someone. It’s a beautiful navigation of love in that these two characters have very different life experiences. Charlie’s family, traditional—in the sense that there is mom, dad, and several siblings—is supportive of him to an extent. We see that his parents love him, but have reservations when it comes to him dating. They are protective of their son and sometimes that translates in a way that feels frustrating for Charlie. Nick’s family consists of his mother and brother. Nick’s mother loves her sons very much and she has built a relationship with them that makes space for Nick to feel comfortable going to her for guidance when he’s worried about Charlie. Heartstopper not only gives us a beautiful story about first love, but also how complicated relationships can be. Though this is a graphic novel series, I dare you not to read them and fall in love with the story. Netflix adapted this series in 2022 and because of Alice Oseman, the screen adaptation captures the essence of the graphic novels.

Hachette Childrens Group, 2019, (1578 pages, 5 Vol Series) Originally self-published in 2016.

by Krysty Krywko

42 years ago, I started keeping a list of books that I read.

I wasn’t sure what I was getting into as I lay sprawled across the baby-blue acrylic bedspread of my antique white French provincial canopy bed from Sears.

It was at the start of what promised to be another drawn out summer in the Canadian suburbs. I had just finished Love, Dad by Evan Hunter, (which when I look at it now is a pretty racy novel for a young adolescent, or maybe not given what’s posted on Tik Tok.) One of the characters, Paul, talks about how his real education didn’t start until after he graduated from high school, and he keeps a list of books and authors that he has read to remind him of how far he has come in his self-education since then.

At the time, July 1982 to be precise, I was teetering on the edge of adolescence and increasing self-consciousness. The idea of keeping track of the books I read for posterity seemed like a good practice. I loved the idea of reading all the “great” books hoping they would somehow make me smarter. One hundred books seemed like a serious enough challenge for the intellectual I wanted to become. I made a pledge to myself to read that many in one year.

I was 13 years old that summer and seriously introverted. With badly permed red hair and large circular glasses, I read a lot of books. I could escape into them and live any sort of life that I wanted. They were also safer than people. 

Today, as I look at the first entry on the list – my childish, balloon-like letters looping across the page –I am immediately transported back to my room of powder blue, where I cloistered myself, unsure of who I was and who I wanted to be (beyond what I imagined how an intellectual adult would act). I found my refuge in the books I read that summer, looking for secrets to be explained and personalities I could assume.

My reading over the course of that year reflected what I was feeling on the inside – stuck somewhere between the world of The Baby-Sitters Club series and adult fiction. The first entry on my list, right after Love Dad, is Mommie Dearest, by Christina Crawford. The first book I took off my mother’s bookshelf. Not quite an act of defiance, as my mother had given me permission to read it. But the fact that my mother had “lent” me one of her books was a testament to my burgeoning maturity.

That was also the summer I discovered Agatha Christie. My list is full of her titles, including Murder in Three Acts, And Then There Were None.

Books by S.E. Hinton, Katherine Paterson, and Judy Blume, the reigning chroniclers of adolescent angst during the early 1980s, are also on there. When I read through the list, images flash before my eyes of where I was when I read those books – whether I was in the back of our silver Chevy van as we made our annual summer pilgrimage to the West Coast, or tucked into the shade of the umbrella at the beach.

There are now 1549 books on the list. What started out as a simple year-long challenge has become a piece of my history. When I read through the list each title triggers a different memory. I am amazed at how something as simple as a book title can evoke such powerful memories.

#386, Possessions by A.S. Byatt brings back all the giddiness and anticipation of a new relationship as the twists and turns of the story became intertwined with myself and my summer love. My thoughts would keep drifting to his laughter and the twinkle in his eyes as I curled myself into the oversized floral chair in my parent’s living room.

There is #405, Blood, Tears, and Folly by Len Deighton that I packed in my overnight bag when we went on our first trip together that December. Followed by #531 One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez on our honeymoon three years later.

I remember trying to race my way through the final chapters of #671 – A Problem from Hell by Samantha Powers knowing that I could go into labor any day with my first child. I didn’t make it.

#673 and #674 hold a special glow for me as I remember how proud of myself I was for finally figuring out a way to prop up both a book and my nursing daughter on the same pillow as we sat for what seemed like hours in the sunlit corner of the nursery.

#707, A Traitor to Memory by Elizabeth George was a small indulgence I allowed myself after months of slogging through heavy research tomes. I can almost taste the warm spring day when I gave myself permission to purchase “something fun” to read, after I finally handed in my dissertation proposal. My feet hardly touched the ground as I headed towards the nearest bookstore, and I was giddy as I cracked open the spine of her latest mystery. My mind immediately dove into the subtleties of the story, enjoying the break from the intricacies of quantitative data analysis.

My son was born during the middle of #712 – The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. And like the title of that book, he seems to be propelled along by the wind. Slowing down only in the quiet of the early morning hours, or when we gather around the dining room table for a meal.

Difficult memories also surface as I read through the list. #776, The Shadow of the Sun, by Ryszard Kapuscinski is bathed in the greenish glow of intensive care as I recall how the vibrancy and vastness of the African continent conflicted with the modern medical equipment surrounding the bed of my 2 ½ year old son as he recovered from open-heart surgery. The margins of the book filled with scribbles as I tried to distract myself from machine beeps and the sound of his labored breathing.

I remember the swaying of the Metro North trains as I madly highlighted passages of #1173, Braving the Wilderness, by Brene Brown, on my way into New York City to finalize my divorce. So much sadness at the way a marriage of 19 years slowly fell apart. I held onto words that let me find some hope dancing around the edges of those feelings.

#1209, Happy Hours: Alcohol in a Woman’s Life by Devon Jersild is, without a doubt, the most influential book I’ve ever read. I had picked it up on a whim, fascinated by the title. I knew deep down in my soul that I was drinking too much, especially when my children were at their dad’s. This book helped me dig deep into the trauma behind my drinking. It also set me on the road to recovery.

My eyes vaguely registered the words written in #1497 Demon Copperhead, by Barbara Kingsolver, as I flew westward to the Rocky Mountains of my childhood to bury my father. I sat reading the same paragraph, over and over, with eyes teary and heart heavy. You always think there will be one more visit, one more conversation, one more Christmas. And, then all of a sudden, there isn’t.

Some people are meticulous about keeping daily journals – an ever-evolving history of their past. These journals serve as a reference for a forgotten conversation, or a vivid recollection of an experience when memory fails. I am not one of those people.

While I have made a few stumbled attempts to collect the daily happenings of my life, there is no consistency to these jottings. Instead, my memories live in this list of books that I have kept for most of my life. And while I have often regretted the absence of a written catalog of my memories—I know there are sights, and sounds, and smells that are lost forever—I am amazed at the emotions that surface as I read through my humble list of books.

I am also amazed at how far the list has come.

The books on the list, which were once a vibrant and relevant part of my life, have become nothing more than words I once read. They are a reminder of the person that I once was, and through their titles, it is possible to trace a path to the person I have become.

My reading tastes have changed and expanded over time. The authors, genres, and topics that I once immersed myself are no longer the ideas I am focused on. I am amused at the Sydney Sheldon phase I went through in middle school; the seriousness with which my friends and I took the writings of Ayn Rand in high school; and my fascination with all things Soviet in my early college years. All of these are a reminder of the person I thought I would become.

As I continue to read, I wonder what books will continue cross my path and shape my thoughts and ideas in the future. What book will keep me company when my youngest child heads to college? What book will be beside me the night of my daughter’s wedding? What will I be reading as my own time on this planet draws to a close?

Although I write these words at the age of 54 I am still unsure of where my path might lead. I officially become an empty-nester this September. My plans are to move to Minneapolis and see what a new city and region have to offer. Beyond that, I really can’t say, but I do know that books will continue to guide me along the path. And, my memories will still be captured in a single list.

by Nadia Murdock

Did you know that partaking in substances could be wreaking havoc on your mental health? If you are using alcohol to self-medicate you may experience side effects that will worsen your feelings especially if you become dependent on it to cope with life’s ups and downs. 

According to a study in American Addiction Disorders:

“7.7 million adults are diagnosed in the US with both a mental health and a substance use disorder (SUD). Among people who use substances, around 38% also have a mental health diagnosis.”

Below are a few side effects when you use substances to cope:

• Post alcohol anxiety and/or depression.

• Heightened emotional feelings once the calm feelings begin to fade.

• Alcohol dependency. 

• Sleep irregularities. 

If you are curious about sober living the founder of Raising the Bar is all too familiar with this feeling. After experiencing too much reliance on alcohol as a stress reliever Abbie Romanul founded Raising the Bar, a zero proof cocktail subscription. 

I spoke with Abbie to discuss the benefits of ditching the cocktails for your mental health.

Do you think designating a month to sobriety is a good idea? Is this ideal for those that are sober, curious?

Abbie: I think it is a good idea for anyone who wants to check in with themselves and reevaluate their relationships with alcohol! It is an opportunity to get intentional and mindful of why and how we consume alcohol and can be a starting point for considering any long-term changes one might wish to take.

When you need a break or need to reset, grabbing a glass of wine or favorite cocktail may be one of the first things you consider. Alcohol tends to make symptoms of mental health conditions worse, like depression and anxiety. 

How does alcohol affect our mental health?

Abbie: The past year and a half has been especially challenging for everyone, and heavy alcohol use has increased during this time as many seek ways to cope with increased levels and stress and anxiety. Alcohol use can impact our ability to concentrate and get quality sleep. It can also exacerbate depression and anxiety (which is ironically why many people drink – to cope with these issues).

In actuality your mood can improve when you start reducing your alcohol intake and turn to other forms of coping skills. 

What are some tips for starting the process of swapping out alcohol for zero proof alcohol?

Abbie: There are so many incredible alternatives to alcohol in the zero-proof space today. From wines, beers, and premixed mocktails to zero-proof spirits that can be subbed 1:1 in a traditional cocktail recipe, there is simply no shortage of delicious and sophisticated options to please any palate. At Raising the Bar, we curate all the ingredients you need to make seasonal zero-proof cocktails at home, which is a fun option if you’re missing that mixology element!

If you are curious about navigating an alcohol free lifestyle try incorporating the recipe below for your next social gathering. 

Harvest Moon Recipe

Ingredients 

• 3 oz. brewed, chilled blackberry tea

• 1/2 oz. Liber & Co. caramelized fig syrup

• 2 oz. Hella Ginger Turmeric Soda

• 8 dashes cardamom bitters*

• Ice sphere

• Dried fig slice

In a shaker with ice cubes, combine the first four ingredients and give a gentle stir to combine. Strain into a rocks glass with an ice sphere and garnish with dried fig slices. Cheers!

*Bitters do contain alcohol, but used in a drink are in such small quantities that the alcohol content is negligible. You may omit if you prefer not to use bitters. 

by Susan Padron

Is your email inbox filling up with clothing brands telling you what to wear for “the perfect date night look”? 

That can get real overwhelming real fast. You start asking questions: Do you need new lingerie? Should you get a dress? 

Let me suggest we ask better questions. But first, a little set up. 

It’s easy to roll our eyes at this topic, and even become dismissive at the idea of feeling sexy. But that’s what makes this conversation really important, especially for women. 

More often than not, as women age, we start to feel invisible. If we become mothers, going through perimenopause and menopause, and visibly aging in general—all of these factors can make us feel disconnected from that sexy part of ourselves. 

Did you ever see that skit on Amy Schumer’s show, Inside Amy Schumer, where she brought together several actors, all women, all over the age of 40, and it was called, “last fuckable day”? It mocked how the media, and Hollywood especially, identified women as “unfuckable” once they reached a certain age. We can easily get caught up in those beliefs too. 

But we’re going to rewire your brain a little so we can start thinking differently about what sexy looks like. 

Q1: What makes me feel sexy?

Before we talk about clothes, you need to be able to answer this question first: “What makes you feel sexy?” 

On a recent instagram poll, I asked people this very thing. I loved all the diverse responses:  “An outfit that fits well everywhere.” “Soft material.” “My hair or a good hair day. “Great underwear.” “Feeling good about my makeup.” “Clothes that hug my curves.” “Wearing something people can’t see like a bit of hidden sexy.” “Short skirts with tights and boots.” And “Just feeling good in what I’m wearing.”

See what I mean? Diverse! And also personal.  

Now, if you’re struggling to think about what you would wear to feel hot like that, we have a little more work to do. Onto question two… 

Q2: When was the last time I felt sexy?

Okay, so if your response to question one was, “Oh GOD, I don’t know…” sit with it for a bit. There’s no pressure to answer right this second. But, I am going to encourage you to think about a time when you felt sexy. What part or parts of your body were you showing off? How were you showing them off? Try to think about what you were wearing. 

Did you feel sexy because another person made you feel that way? Maybe you were out and got a compliment that made you feel really good. 

Whatever it was, we want to recreate that feeling, but we also want to be somewhat systematic about it. Because when we take the time to use the information that we already know, we’re much more strategic about how we shop, and what clothes we choose to put on our bodies. 

Q3: What does my unique version of sexy look like?

Maybe the conventional interpretation of sexy is exactly what feels aligned. I define the conventional sexy (based on the culture and media highlighted in the US) as “the fewer clothes the better,” the curve hugging, body highlighting, lace trimmed, see-through, touchable fabric, that allows you to embrace your femininity. 

But that interpretation isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok. 

If you don’t feel sexy wearing clothes or lingerie that fit that description, don’t wear it! Trust me. If you wear it, and it’s not you, you’re going to feel awkward and uncomfortable. So will your partner. They might not really know why they feel uncomfortable, but your energy will mix with their energy, and it’s not going to end in the result you were hoping for. 

Why is it important to know what your unique sexy looks and feels like? If you’re trying to force someone else’s definition of sexy on yourself, it’s like you’re showing up as a different person. Wearing something that isn’t aligned with you is like lying about yourself on a dating profile: You’re not going to attract the right partner if you’re not giving them the opportunity to learn and see the real you. 

Remember, we’re asking ourselves the questions, what does sexy feel like? What have you worn in the past that made you feel sexy? What’s your favorite part of your body to highlight? 

There are no wrong answers, so take the time to really think about it, or even journal about these questions, and see what comes up for you!

I want you to feel sexy whenever you want to! Remember that can mean having a good hair day, or wearing fun underwear. Things other people might not even notice. 

Q4: Would I F* me? 

No matter what you decide to wear, I encourage you to put on something that makes you feel sexy. Valentine’s Day suggests dressing sexy for your partner, but I want you to dress sexy for yourself. When you feel sexy, you carry yourself different. 

Okay, allow me to be blunt: The vibe that you want to have when you feel sexy is “Hell yeah, I’d fuck me!” 

It’s the same with confidence. When you are feelin’ yourself, when you know you look good, you strut. You own whatever room you walk into, or, you know you could own it if you flexed a little.

The messages we receive about sex appeal can be very conflicting with what actually resonates for us as individuals, and what makes us feel sexy. So it’s important to be able to answer the question: what does your version of sexy look like? 

Pro-Stylist ‘Sexy’ Tip

Sexy can look like anything, because it’s about how you feel. But “anything” can feel daunting, so let me give you some inspiration. Dressing sexy can be broken down into different categories. 

Femme: lingerie, lace, dress, heels

Menswear: blazer, suit, button down shirt (maybe with nothing else on), 

Casual: t-shirts, athletic attire, underwear, a sports jersey

Fun: bathing suits, costumes, nothing 

When you’re exploring these different categories to find out which resonate with you, start by choosing one category that feels exciting for you. Then try it on without an audience, so that you can feel comfortable making a decision about it without any additional outside pressure or opinions. Finally, decide if you’re going to ditch it or embrace it. Are you adding this to your sexy arsenal or moving on with your life to try something else? 

It’s here! Click below to download the pdf to your phone, table, or desktop. Let us know what you think!

Whoa. It has been exactly two weeks since our reLaunch celebration and I’m still floating on the sea of good energy you all brought. I have a tendency to get mushy, I’m a rising Leo so my love is fierce, plus fluctuating hormones have got me in feels so deep that I don’t always have the words to articulate them. And yes, even though I sometimes lack words I’m still owning my writer label.

So in this case, I’m going to let pictures do the talking for me. Feel free to share any of these on your own social media. I just ask that you credit @davecooperphoto if you share on IG or credit Dave Cooper if you use them on your own sites/blogs/etc. Thank you!!!

For those who couldn’t make the event, we missed you. But I’m hoping to bring more of these types of gatherings (where we spend time together, support your favorite local businesses—especially if they’re woman, LGBTQ, BIPOC, or neurodiverse owned—and really get to know each other). If you would like to propose a destination for 2024, let me know! I’m allllll ears.

Most of these types of communities/memberships are centered on your professional or entrepreneurial endeavors or you learning something.

My goal for these gatherings is to center them on relationships, community, and the pleasure of being in each other’s company. That’s what gets us through. The fact that we can highlight your favorite places & support your local businesses is a beautiful bonus!

xo

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